Pop Vultures

Today, Pop Vultures is pleased to introduce the Friday 5, a weekly feature in which an entirely subjective opinion on some element of pop culture is presented through the highly authoritative form of a countdown list. Today: 5 Movies That Should be Musicals.

MTV’s recent airing of Legally Blonde: The Musical reminded me of just how many films have already received the song-and-dance treatment. Though Hollywood gets a lot of flack for the way it regurgitates past stories, Broadway has its own share of guilt in this regard. In addition to its retelling of Legally Blonde, recent productions have recycled stories from films as varied as Footloose and Evil Dead. London’s West End has also gotten in on the act with Lord of the Rings (don’t tell me it was a book first, because they had decades to bring it to the stage and it wasn’t until Orlando Bloom pranced around in a pair of leggings that someone had the bright idea). Just today, Cinematical reported that To Die For, the Gus Van Sant film starring Nicole Kidman, is about to be reimagined as a musical. Clearly, films these days are just waiting to be picked up by Broadway, so which ones should be next to hit the Great White Way?

5. Harry Potter
The Pitch: It’s Harry Potter, aka Midas Boy. Someone’s gonna do it eventually, so why not now?
Why it should be a musical: Technically, yes, it was originally, and still is, an insanely successful book series, but let’s take a few cues from the film. Every major British actor seems keen to play one of the leads. Naturally they will want to combine those high-profile roles with the class of theatre! Imagine a singing/dancing Alan Rickman. A two-stepping Dumbledore! The staging would be gorgeous, with the fantastic element of musical theatre a perfect match for the magic of the story. Plus, the recent proliferation of Harry Potter fan-bands means that the songs are already written. The producers would only need to buy the rights to the songs for an insultingly small amount of money and then reap the rewards. It is sure to receive terrible reviews and yet play for years.
The meaningful subtext: An allegory for the isolation and confusion of adolescence in which…oh, screw it. It will make money. Lots and lots of money.
Sample songs: Anything from the catalog of Harry & the Potters, Draco & the Malfoys, Ginny & the Weasleys, Hagrid & the Giants, or Ron & the Golden Snitch. (Note: a few of those bands may not exist. Yet.)

4. Ocean’s 11
The pitch: It’s like Guys & Dolls, but with lots more guys.
Why it should be a musical: The original Ocean’s 11 starred the Rat Pack, so this is just a way of getting the film back to its performance roots. Light-hearted romp would feature over-the-top tap dance numbers, appealing to the same crowd that loved the manly power of shows like Stomp, and the lovable criminals would follow a long tradition of Broadway con-men. Since the film is already set in Vegas, there is lots of room for showgirls and flashy numbers. And, let’s face it: Danny and Rusty dance with each other far better than with the women in their lives.
The meaningful subtext: Friendship triumphs over the corrosive powers of capitalistic influences.
Sample songs: “Rusty, I’m Nothing Without You”, “Always An Ocean Away”, “Heaven’s Eleven”

3. Twin Peaks
The pitch: If Evil Dead: The Musical can be a hit, so can this.
Why it should be a musical: Cult classics always have a built-in audience, and the lingering fondness for this story suggests that people can take a bit more. David Lynch has already created a dream world that belongs on stage. The red room and the dancing dwarf are a perverted version of The Wizard of Oz, the mystery plot taps into the same darkness as Sweeney Todd or Bill Sikes’ character in Oliver!, and Angelo Badalamenti’s soundtrack worms its way into your head with disturbing ease. The ensemble cast is perfect for breaking into song in the middle of the diner, as well. They’d need to pick up the pace a bit, but the weirdness and depth to the story would make it a dark horse come awards season.
The meaningful subtext: A Freudian exploration of the dichotomy of self.
Sample songs: “Bob’s Your Uncle”, “A Pie for My Guy”, “Anything Goes in the Red Room”

2. Bring It On
The pitch: Cheerleaders in short skirts. We’ll sell a ticket to every teenage girl visiting New York — and their dads.
Why it should be a musical: It’s already halfway there. The film features catchy cheers (”We cheer and we lead/We act like we’re on speed!”) and athletic routines that bring in various dance elements. The characters are young, pretty and perky with fabulous, colorful outfits. The film gets lumped in with all the other teen flicks of the day, but it’s terribly underrated as a well-written comedy, so the excellent dialog is already in place. Most importantly, it’s got the Us vs. Them plot line that made musicals like West Side Story so successful, and sets up the characters for the Holy Grail of a musical number: the Dance-Off.
The meaningful subtext: Racism can only be conquered through honesty, communication and a great big spirit stick.
Sample songs: “Wave Goodbye With Your Spirit Fingers”, “No One Ever Cheers For Me”, “Not All Cheerleaders Are Bitches (Just You)”

1. Top Gun
The pitch: The gayest movie ever made belongs on Broadway.
Why it should be a musical: Forget Titanic or Doctor Zhivago. This is the greatest love story ever told on film. Maverick and Goose fly together, laugh together and love together, but the cruel demands of their jobs as fighter pilots keep them apart. Throw in a competitor for Maverick’s affections (Iceman) and an untimely death, and you have all the trappings for a thrilling, tragic and ultimately redemptive storyline. The film already brushes against the musical genre with the men’s performance of “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” and the carefully choreographed beach volleyball scene. The natural next step is for them to finally express their hidden emotions through the outlet of song. Suppressed longings will emerge through ballads, while passionate feuds will be reconciled with modern dance. It would be a daring, honest, and ultimately life-affirming story of the power of love.
The meaningful subtext: Subjugation of personal desires to the demands of society.
Sample songs: “I’ve Got Your (Volley)ball Right Here”, “Need for Speeding With You”, “Charlie (Is a Boy’s Name)”

What do you think? What films would you love to see make the transition to Broadway?