Pop Vultures

There’s no hope for it. As scripted shows shut down production, we will soon be hit with an unrelenting tide of reality television and game shows. Already, the studios have lined up such winners as My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad, Here Come the Newlyweds and Pussycat Dolls 2: Girlicious for your viewing pleasure. Wondering if you can use your own television to electrocute yourself? Never fear. Pop Vultures is here with 5 suggestions for shows that will help the strike fly by.

5. I’m a Celebrity. Spell Me Out Of Here! For this particular challenge, a range of Z-list celebrities are dropped in the middle of a jungle with a copy of the Oxford English Dictionary and the entire Penguin classics line. Each week, they are only allowed to leave if they can spell a three-syllable word correctly. Terribly dull and painful to watch, it would attract no viewers. On the plus side, we’d likely never hear from Corey Feldman again.

4. Don’t Tell Me You Love Me. It’s yet another dating reality show, in which a daft, conventionally attractive man is asked to choose his one true love from a set of lovely and slightly psychotic ladies. The twist? Anyone who proclaims love or uses the word “soulmate” within a week of meeting the bachelor is instantly eliminated. Granted, this will be a very short series, but it’s probably better that way. The winner has a choice between the man and a year’s vacation in France. She does not blink before packing her bags.

3. Project Chef. Can’t get enough Project Runway? Salivate at the very thought of the Top Chef dishes? Here is the best of both worlds. Chef and designer pairings construct the most au courant silhouette from a mix of cabbage and taffeta. After wearing the creations down the runway, the judges and models must eat the outfits. Tim Gunn will be on hand to insist the designers “make it cook.”

2. Ninjas v. Pirates. At long last, the eternal debate will be settled. The two groups will find themselves stranded on a deserted island (advantage: pirates) on which an elaborate obstacle course has been constructed (advantage: ninjas). They must compete in a variety of challenges, including: slinkitude, fashion sense, grog-drinking, assassination technique and manipulation of prosthetic limbs. Each week, one member of the losing team goes home until we are left with the sole victor who can claim dominance over all ninjas. Or maybe pirates. I never can decide.

1. Two words: Human Tetris.