Pop Vultures

With so many characters developing regenerative abilities, it’s become very difficult for any heroes to actually stay dead. And, with a cast as bloated as this one, the show is in dire need of some pruning. Sure, Heroes may appear to be righting itself, but it still manages to stuff dull filler between the genuinely interesting scenes. With one (long desired) death on Monday’s episode, they’ve made a start, but it’s only the tip of the carnage iceberg I’d like to see. If the show could see fit to include a proper massacre, I have a few suggestions for them. [spoilers below]

Suresh: The most annoying non-hero on the program. He manages to be morally simplistic and righteous while constantly making the stupidest choices possible. He’s meant to be the smart character, so he should really stop acting as if he’s taking morality pointers from a kindergarten teacher. Preferred form of death: bizarre photocopying accident at the Company. He doesn’t deserve any better.

Niki: The most pointless hero on the program. We’re now halfway through the second season, and this woman still has not figured out how to use her freaking power. Even her split personalities are getting bored of her indecision. Preferred form of death: she is so busy whining, complaining and looking sad that she simply forgets to eat. Slow, but effective.

Parkman: I have never warmed to Parkman, which saddens me, as I liked Greg Grunberg in Alias and Felicity. Unfortunately, his character in Heroes lacks any of the wise-assery that made those two roles so enjoyable. Instead, he mopes. And worries. Occasionally, he even acts indignant. Preferred form of death: Just shoot him in the chest. Quick, painless, and believable for a cop.

Sylar: I know he has his fans, but the character has got to go. He is not adding anything to the story, and his only purpose at the moment is to reveal the stupidity of everyone he encounters. Zachary Quinto’s line readings are so infused with villainous intent that it’s ludicrous Maya doesn’t notice the flashing neon sign reading, “Hi! I’m a bad guy!” The man would make a legitimate offer of tea and biscuits sound creepy. Preferred form of death: After having his memory erased by the Haitian, he returns to fixing time-pieces, a skill that slowly evolves into an obsession. Killed while trying to scale Big Ben.

Maya: One Emo Wonder Twin down, one to go. Never has a single hero been so hated by so many for so little reason. Of course, her inability to sense Sylar’s evil tells us that she is too stupid to live. Preferred form of death: Her own powers short-circuit and she black-eyes herself into oblivion.

Molly: Yeah, I know she’s a kid, and I’m a bad, bad person for thinking this, but I don’t care because a) she’s fictional and b) she’s just fucking annoying. Are we supposed to root for Parkman and Suresh as they try to save her? I only resent them for keeping her alive (which may partially account for their presence on this list). Preferred form of death: Damn virus takes away her powers and she is happily adopted by a loving family. Come on, she’s a kid. I can’t actually kill her.

And then we’d be left with Hiro, Ando, Peter, Nathan, Adam, Claire, Mr. Bennet and the controversial Elle: talented, charismatic actors that are doing their best to create interesting, three-dimensional characters. Now, a full hour of that, and I’d be looking forward to the show each week. So writers, do me a favor. When you get back to work, how about bringing us a bit of well-earned bloodshed?

What about you? Who would not survive your Heroes slaughter?