Pop Vultures

It’s that time of year again. We’re making resolutions with the best of intentions. We’re going to eat more healthily (as soon as we finish that last piece of Christmas candy), exercise more (as soon as it gets a bit warmer out. I mean, no one wants frostbite on their nose), maybe even drink a bit less (the recycling bin is already full, after all). But really, why? I mean, other than the fact that we already know we’re not going to keep them. But more to the point, alongside all the other valuable knowledge I’ve gleaned from television, I’ve learned one certain thing: the naughty people are so much more interesting. In the spirit of forgoing New Year’s resolutions, today’s Friday 5 celebrates the vice-ridden, the unrepentant and the truly debauched.

5. Patsy, Absolutely Fabulous. Long before the term “cougar” was in common use, Joanna Lumley was giving a master class on how it should be done in this British sitcom. She wasn’t just a woman; she was 30% nicotine and 70% Stoli crammed into a little black dress. Sure, she could never stand up properly, and her face wore a perpetual sneer, but this former Bond girl was still disturbingly hot (emphasis frequently on the “disturbing”). Part of me wants to hang out with her for a night, swilling vodka straight from the bottle. A bigger part wants to be her in 15 years time.

4. Spike, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. There are two versions of Spike: pre-chip, when he was purely, delectably evil, and post-chip, when his evil was restrained by, um, a chip put in his brain by a covert government agency to control his vampiric impulses. It made sense in context, I’m sure. Pre-chip, Spike was a whiskey-swilling, chain-smoking, kitten-gambling (yes, kittens), leather-wearing, kinky-sex-having kind of guy who just happened to kill people every now and then. Few characters have had quite so much fun being so bad — and then came the chip. Count on the government to ruin even that small pleasure. Still, Spike’s pure joy in being just plain evil made season 2 arguably the best Buffy season ever.

3. Sawyer, Lost. Sawyer has had to work harder than most to maintain his vices. I mean, it’s not like he could just run down to the store when he needed a fresh pack of cigarettes and a bottle of Jack, is it? Of course, part of Sawyer’s charm is his resourcefulness. While everyone else was panicking about whether or not they’d be rescued or how they were going to survive — trifles like that — Sawyer was busy hoarding a small general store worth of goods and then sitting on his stash like king of the mountain. He’s selfish, rude, violent and frequently unkind. And yet, somehow, he still manages to be 50 times more likable than Jack, the supposed hero of the show. It might be that smile, the one that promises his kind of trouble will be way more fun than anyone else’s idea of virtue.

2. DCI Gene Hunt, Life on Mars. What vice doesn’t Gene Hunt possess? He’s a smoker, a drinker, a womanizer and a brawler. His diet would give the American Heart Association nightmares. He’ll do whatever it takes to solve a case, so long as it doesn’t involve finesse or interfere with beer o’clock. Although the character was created mainly to provide direct conflict for the protagonist, Philip Glenister took the boozy, homophobic, racist, misogynistic bull by the horns and ran with it, turning a potential caricature into a fully developed, strangely irresistible asshole. Sure, you could never take him anywhere, but he does have a charm all his own.

1. Starbuck, Battlestar Galactica. She drinks. She fights. She smokes. She makes questionable choices in her nocturnal playmates. She’s the daredevil pilot who balances absolute control in the cockpit with a complete chaos of a life. And, just for fun, she may be responsible for the destruction or salvation of the entire human race. No pressure there, Starbuck. After all, this is a woman whose self-destructive tendencies run so deep that her first response to potential happiness with a man she loved was to…run out and marry someone else. But of course. She is a glorious mix of contradictions and unpredictability, the only certainty being that she’ll probably find a way to either fuck it up or be the big damn hero. There is no in-between for Starbuck, and that’s why people love the character. Sure, she’s an out-of-control mess, but she’s never boring.

Do you agree with these choices? And which characters make vice look good to you?