Pop Vultures

When Marcia asked me to watch and review the BBC’s latest Saturday evening entertainment offering, The One and Only, I was fairly sure I was in for another relentlessly dull, cringingly awkward cheese-fest in the Strictly Come Dancing tradition. But, I was only half right. Cheesy? Yes. Cringingly awkward? Oh my yes. But relentlessly dull? Not a bit of it! I can’t remember the last time I spent such an entertaining hour, and make what judgements you will about the standard of my social life, but I’m telling you, The One and Only is topnotch telly.

The premise is simple. The BBC has put together a group of people who all have the singular talent of being able to convincingly impersonate a famous singer. Each week they sing and the audience at home votes them off one by one. The winner gets a contract to perform in Vegas. The whole thing is presented by camper-than-a-row-of-pink-tents Graham Norton, who adds a touch of deliciously self-aware cheese that Bruce Forsyth will just never pull off.

I was making notes while I watched last Saturday’s episode, and I share with you here my insights about each of the performers:

Cher: This lady can sing, but that silver diamante skin-tight lycra catsuit is not kind to her. I can’t stop staring at her thighs. And not in a good way.

Frank Sinatra: Aw, I really like this guy. He looks like your kindly uncle. And he definitely has the Frank charisma when he sings. Also, I would actually go and see a Frank Sinatra tribute act in Vegas, because the chances of the real Frank Sinatra being able to perform there are low. Who would go and see a Britney tribute in Vegas, when the real Britney performs there?

Lionel Ritchie: Kudos to the makeup people. They have actually managed to make a skinny ginger-haired white boy look really quite alarmingly like Lionel Ritchie. I find myself strangely attracted to him. This is disconcerting.

Diana Ross: THIS WOMAN IS SHIT. She sounds like she’s singing under a pile of sofa cushions. I can barely hear her. The ability to wear a big wig and prance about in front of a wind machine is not going to save you, sister.

Elton John: Wearing a gold suit and giant diamante glasses, this guy makes you realise that when Elton wore this outfit, he actually looked pretty cool. Comparatively. The Elton impersonator, unfortunately, just looks like a fat man in stupid glasses. He sings pretty well though.

Kylie: On the plus side, she can wear those gold hotpants, and not many women can. But even if she could compete as Kylie’s bottom-alike, she doesn’t do very well as a look- or sound-alike. Next!

Dusty Springfiled: Aw, she was lovely. Dusty for the win!

Robbie Williams: Four words: Painted-on chest-wig. Aieeeeeeeeeee! Also, his black diamante cat-suit was a bit baggy around the crotch, which does diminish the raw sexual magnetism somewhat.

Madonna: This girl is completely flat chested. How’s she going to fill a cone bra?

Tom Jones: Looks like a pervy man you would cross the street to avoid. Much like the original, come to think of it. He will probably go far.

Britney Spears: Looks like she’s about to throw up, sounds nothing like Britney Spears, and can’t dance. She won’t last another week.

So there you have it. This time Madonna got the boot. And I will put good money on either Britney Spears or Diana Ross going next week. But even though the format is tired, the outcome predictable, the cheese extra ripe and the one-liners scripted, I still maintain, you should totally watch The One and Only next Saturday. And vote for Dusty!