Pop Vultures

Chez Walsh, Brandon helps Cindy with her recycling and tells her that tomorrow morning he’s going to leave really early, around five, to do some surfing with Dylan before school. Cindy says it sounds adventurous. Brandon turns to go, then adds that he might not see Cindy until after school tomorrow; after work tonight he’s going straight to the library to study for a monster history test, and he won’t be back until after she’s asleep. Cindy says if she’s asleep, don’t wake her, and Brandon says he won’t. Oh, how I love to see Smug Brandon acting unscrupulously.

In the bathroom, Brandon daubs his face with aftershave as Brenda tells him to hurry. She asks who died, and Brandon says he just borrowed some of Jim’s cologne. “Like half the bottle,” Brenda says, but he tells her it’ll wear off by the time he needs it tonight, when he’s with Nina – sweet Nina. Brenda clearly doesn’t care, and reminds him that she has to be there by six; “OK,” he says, “thanks for listening.” Brenda sighs and apologises; she’s just so frazzled with this Rap Line stuff. Brandon asks how that’s working out and she says it’s totally intense. He says to tell him, but with a rare display of professionalism she says she can’t: there’s this very specific situation happening and if she tells him about it, it would be a total breach of confidence. Fine, Brandon says, primping in the mirror – just don’t expect him to tell her anything about the 25-year-old woman he’s dating. He turns, evidently expecting a reaction, but she’s gone. Burn!

Rap Line: Andrea’s on the phone as an anxious Brenda walks behind the volunteers – another girl picks up the phone, looks at Brenda and shakes her head, and OK, date rape is obviously bad, but I don’t get why Brenda’s date-rape caller is suddenly so much more important than all the hundreds of other troubled teens who are calling the Rap Line. A guy counsels a girl over the phone who thinks she might be pregnant, as next to him a phone rings and rings, and Brenda looks annoyed, finally snapping at him that he has to pick that up, it’s been ringing off the hook. Bizarrely, he doesn’t tell her to fuck off and let him do the job that he has actually been trained to do, but instead puts the pregnant girl on hold and picks up the other line, asking if it’s a first time caller. Brenda sighs.

At the Peach Pit, Brandon, wearing an appalling speckled sports jacket and a giant silver crucifix, looks at his watch – and Nina enters, wearing some sort of bizarre hooded hippie outfit; she slinks towards him as he smiles appreciatively.

Rap Line: the volunteers leave, as Brenda begs Carol for just fifteen more minutes; the Disembodied Voice needs counselling, Carol said so herself. Carol says that’s right, but you can’t force anyone to pick up the phone and call them, and since she didn’t call, they have to assume that she’s OK, at least for tonight. Brenda looks outraged. As they go outside, Carol says that she knows it’s rough, but the secret of all of this is to know how to let go of it when the day is done. When she’s gone, Brenda goes back to the door and hammers on it; Andrea asks what she’s doing, and Brenda tells her to guess. Andrea says she’s getting Carol, and Brenda tells her that the first time the Disembodied Voice called it was around 10.30, last night she called at ten, right when they were leaving, and now it’s 10.05 – the phone could be ringing right now. Andrea says she doesn’t know that, and Brenda says that’s right, and she won’t know unless she gets up there and answers it. Andrea considers, and then joins Brenda in hammering on the door.

At Nina’s hippie pad, Nina says to excuse the mess, but it’s always like this. Brandon says he loves it, which I don’t believe for a second. Brandon strikes me as one of those people who colour-codes his closet and freaks out if a shoe is a millimetre out of line. Nina says that’s what Richard says too, and on cue, Richard – who is skinny and balding – appears, and he and Nina embrace as Brandon looks on, gutted. Nina introduces Richard to Brandon, saying Brandon’s her guinea pig: he’s going to let her do a full herbal wrap on him. Richard says Brandon’s in good hands – Nina’s the best student he’s ever had, and that’s why he fell in love with her. Oh, ew. Nina says that Richard’s teaching holistic medicine at the Maxwell Institute, and finishing his doctorate at USC. “Great!” says Brandon, unconvincingly. Nina picks up a book and gives it to Brandon, saying they give it to all their “special friends”. “The Tibetan Book of the Dead,” says Brandon, nodding. He thanks them with a distinct lack of enthusiasm.

Rap Line: the phone rings and Brenda snatches it up, but it’s just some boring teen whose problems Brenda doesn’t care about, and she tells them they should call back tomorrow to speak to a trained volunteer. Andrea says it’s been 45 minutes, and Brenda sadly says that you’d think one of these calls would be her. She says that they should go home, and as they pick up their coats, Andrea says that she’s glad they came back tonight. “For all the good it did,” says Brenda glumly. Too right; the streets of Beverly Hills are probably littered with the corpses of suicidal teens who were turned away from the Rap Line because they weren’t the one, specific girl that Brenda decided that she wanted to ‘help’.

And then the phone rings! Andrea picks up, and of course it’s the Disembodied Voice, in tears, saying she’s sorry to bother them again; Andrea turns to Brenda and says it’s for her. On the phone to Brenda, the Disembodied Voice is in a bitchy mood, saying what do you know, it’s me again. Brenda says she was hoping she’d call, and the Disembodied Voice asks why, so she can sit back and judge her, or get turned on, or be Little Miss Mary Sunshine, assuring her that everything’s gonna be all “roses and pink”?

Brenda asks what happened tonight – the Disembodied Voice wouldn’t be this angry and she wouldn’t have called them if nothing happened. The Disembodied Voice asks what she thinks happened, and Brenda says she thinks he found her again. “Yeah,” says the Disembodied Voice, “but tonight he brought along his friend.” Brenda looks horrified, and tells the girl to give her name. The Disembodied Voice is predictably affronted, and tells her to forget it, but Brenda says no, she wants to know who she is. She knows it’s scary, but she’s got to stand up to them and make this go away so they won’t hurt her any more. Andrea says that Brenda shouldn’t be telling her that, and Brenda tells Andrea it’s the truth. The Disembodied Voice asks if Brenda’s talking about her, and Brenda says it’s just with one of the other student volunteers. The Disembodied Voice snaps that Brenda’s a two-faced liar like all the rest of them, and Brenda says that’s not true; the Disembodied Voice asks what the other volunteer’s name is, and Brenda says Andrea – Andrea Zuckerman, whereupon the Disembodied Voice hangs up, clearly not wishing to share any more of her trauma with the editor of the school newspaper. “Apparently not one of my bigger fans,” says Andrea. Brenda tells her that she knows who it is – or at least she thinks she does.

At school, Brenda stalks through the hallways, following the Cheerleader of Clumsy Foreshadowing. “Excuse me,” Brenda says, “are you Bonnie?” Bonnie says yes, and asks if she knows Brenda; Brenda says yes, and gives her name. Bonnie’s face falls, and she tells Brenda that with the spirit meeting this afternoon and tonight being the last night of Grudge Week, she really doesn’t have a lot of time to talk. Brenda, who has clearly taken on Brandon’s sanctimonious mantle this week, tells her that maybe she should make the time, so she won’t have to use the phone tonight. Good lord, this whole conversation is seven shades of inappropriate. Bonnie says that a lot of what she said might’ve made it seem worse than it really was – a lot of it was kind of fun, but Brenda, disgusted, asks which part – where he hurt her, or where he brought his friend along?

Bonnie says that when she made those calls she needed somebody to talk to, and Brenda says that she was there for her. “Yes, you were,” Bonnie says, “on the other end of a line where I didn’t have to see you and you didn’t know who I was,” thereby demonstrating a far better understanding of a confidential counselling line than Brenda, or indeed Andrea. Bonnie tells Brenda if she tells anybody what she said to her she’ll make her sorry, but Brenda says she knows what she’s going through – Bonnie’s a sophomore, she wants to be popular, and she wants the popular guys to go out with her – but it’s not worth it. Bonnie tells Brenda to shut up, adding that she’s just jealous because she’s a nobody at this school.

Brenda comes up to Andrea, saying she’s been looking all over for her; Andrea asks what’s wrong, and Brenda says that the Disembodied Voice doesn’t want to come forward. Andrea asks if she talked to her, and Brenda says yes, face to face, and if Brenda reveals her, there’s no telling what she’ll do. What, reveal her as a rape victim? In what universe could this ever be seen as a good idea? Brenda asks what she’s going to do, and Andrea says she’s got to talk to Carol, but Brenda says she knows what she’ll say: you can’t force a kid to seek help unless they want to seek help themselves. “Ours is not to reason why,” says Andrea, “ours is just to listen, and try not to cry.”

That evening, at school, kids come pouring out of the gym after whatever weird event’s been going on, which West Beverly has evidently won. Steve says that the co-ed tug-of-war has always been his specialty. “Way to go, Sanders,” says a random jock, and Steve asks what they’re doing tonight. “Nothing special,” says the jock, exchanging glances with another guy that are clearly meant to signify that they are creepy rapists.

In the darkened halls, Bonnie leans against a wall looking worried as another cheerleader talks to a couple of guys, then comes over and says that Larry doesn’t know the way to Becky’s house, so she’ll have to meet her there. Bonnie asks if she can just walk her to her car, and the other cheerleader says she doesn’t want to keep them waiting. Bonnie tells her to come on, she stuck around just to wait for her, but Cheerleader ignores her and walks back to the guys. The three of them leave and Bonnie looks panicked.

In the parking lot, Bonnie walks to her car, and the beam of a torch hits her in the face as a male voice asks if she needs a ride. She looks despairing and says not tonight, but Jock 1 says, “yeah, tonight,” pointing out that they won, and they have to celebrate. Jock 2 looms in the background. “Please, George,” says Bonnie, and he sarcastically asks what the matter is – doesn’t she like them? Doesn’t she know how much they like her – and want her? “Please,” she says again; George asks if she’s going to make them beg for it, and Jock 2 asks if they’re going to have to get nasty again. George tells her to get in the car. Bonnie says no, and he says that they’ll just have to do it standing up, then. He covers her mouth and pushes her against the car, whereupon three armed men leap out from behind a bush, shouting, “Freeze, police!”

George gets smushed up against the car – hurrah! – and read his rights as, from a distance, Brandon, Andrea and Brenda look on. Bonnie cries and is led by a friendly police officer to an older woman, presumably her mother, waiting nearby. What? This is so peculiar. Andrea asks Brenda if she’s going to go down and say something and Brenda says no – she wants to be by herself. She walks off, and Brandon asks Andrea how Brenda knew it was going to happen like this. Andrea says that all the calls came after ten, so Brenda figured out that these attacks might be taking place after each Grudge Night event. Brandon asks how she put all that together, and Andrea says Brenda’s a good listener. I love the way that in episode after episode, the Walsh twins manage to “save” people by acting in completely selfish and unethical ways, which are rarely if ever questioned by those around them.

At school the next day, Donna tells Brenda that her parents refused to let her get her nose done, but instead they’re buying her a new car. I love the pretence here that Tori Spelling’s nose hasn’t already been sliced and diced to within an inch of its life. “Life could be worse, huh,” Kelly says. “I guess,” says Brenda, smiling. Meanwhile, Steve asks Brandon what happened with the older chick that was coming on to him, and Brandon says they’re just good friends. “Face it, you blew it,” says Steve, but Brandon says that nothing was blown. Hahahahaha! Oh, I do hope that line was deliberate. Steve tells Brandon his problem is that he’s hung up on this age thing, and Brandon says he’s not, not really – well, maybe a little. When Steve leaves, Brandon notices sad-faced waif girl staring at him, and goes over and introduces himself. Her face lights up, and he tells her she has a beautiful smile. He walks off, and she walks down the hall and says hi to Scott, who looks overjoyed in his turn. And what a pointless subplot that was.

Next week: Brenda and Dylan have their first date, and Brandon does something that no one cares about because Brenda and Dylan! First date! Woo-hoo!