Pop Vultures

In the category of “really dumb ideas by network executive with more money than brains” comes the news that the film Crash is being made into a television series. Yes, the Academy-award winning film that shows us how everyone’s a little bit racist is coming to the small screen, despite the fact that a) it was simplistic and often preachy and b) not especially good. Fearful that a Hollywood short on original ideas is about to mine previous Oscar winners for inspiration, I’d like to suggest 5 films that should never, ever be turned into an HBO series.

5. Titanic
Why someone might try: The film made enough money for James Cameron and his friends to fill up a swimming pool with thousand-dollar bills and take a dip. More executives would like to follow suit.
The premise: A serial drama set aboard the most doomed ship of all time, featuring a cast of wealthy eccentrics. Think Dirty Sexy Money with more frozen bodies.
Why it would be a very bad idea: It’s rather difficult to become attached to a cast of characters that are certain to die, and not even in an interesting, heroic way. Plus, the world might implode from collective frustration if anyone, anywhere tries to resurrect the haunting strains of “My Heart Will Go On” for the soundtrack.

4. Ghandi
Why someone might try: In the current war-mongering political climate, a message of peace might be just what the people need!
The premise: No longer limited to India, the most famous pacifist of all-time wanders the globe, trying to broker peace in the Middle East, Darfur and Afghanistan in this drama-documentary.
Why it would be a very bad idea: During filming, US intelligence would mistake the lead actor for a rabble-rouser and take him into custody. A three-month stint in Guantanamo Bay would quickly halt production.

3. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
Why someone might try: Desperate producers know that reality TV has grown a bit stale and predictable. It’s time to shake things up with some of the least predictable stars ever!
The premise: A reality-show set in a psychiatric hospital attempts to show the wacky, fun-loving side of the mentally ill.
Why it would be a very bad idea: It turns out that watching people play board games while wearing bathrobes is not nearly as exciting as one might think. Even planting a Nurse Ratched in the cast won’t help; she’d quickly become the character people love to hate and would leave the show in order to make a bundle on the talk show circuit, dispensing tough love in the Dr. Laura  or Dr. Phil vein.

2. Gladiator
Why someone might try: If 300 proved anything, it’s that people never tire of buff men in skirts!
The premise: After Maximus turns out to have faked his death at the end of the film, he wanders Europe on a mission to protect the innocent and save the common folk from power-hungry authority. It’s like Hercules, but without the monsters or gratuitous displays of flesh!
Why it would be a very bad idea: It’s like Hercules, but without the monsters or gratuitous displays of flesh.

1. Lord of the Rings
Why someone might try: The studio is very unwilling to let this particular cash cow die.
The premise: A political drama set in Middle Earth, the series takes a close look at Aragorn’s reign as he attempts to bring stability to Middle Earth. It’s The West Wing with hairier feet.
Why it would be a very bad idea: Attempts to produce an allegory for modern politics would fall flat when the writers are raked over the coals for their Orc genocide plotline. It turns out that Aragorn’s simplistic black & white morality leaves little room for subtle plots. The show would be canceled after its interminable Ent Moot episode.

What do you think? Which award-winning films should television avoid like the plague? And are there any films that could become a quality TV series?