Pop Vultures

Project Runway, S04 E10: Raw Talent

Previously on Project Runway: the designers had to make iconic looks out of denim and it turned out to be Opposite Day, since somehow Ricky, of all people, won the challenge. On the other hand, Victorya went home, much to the delight of my spell checker. This week: despite Ricky’s continuing presence on the show, this may be the greatest episode EVER, as the designers are asked to make clothes for wrestling divas.

We open on Jillian and Sweet P swearing that they will stay in the competition, because the final three should not be all men. Double X chromosome, represent. In the men’s apartment, Christian is, naturally, mocking Ricky’s outfit. I assume Ricky is in the shower, rather than listening just out of the frame. Ricky then voice-overs that, despite winning a challenge, he doesn’t feel like he’s getting any more respect than before. Perhaps that’s because everyone still remembers every other outfit he’s inflicted on us.

Model swap! And…nothing happens. Ricky sticks with Amanda, and that’s it. The designers are then told that they’ll be meeting Tim the next day for a field trip. Later, in the apartment, they try to guess the next challenge. Though their suggestions are valid – cocktail dress, celebrity, or swimsuit – they completely underestimate the genius of the PR producers.

Off they go with Tim to…the elevator. They end up outside the runway room, listening to shrieks and grunts coming from inside. Sweet P thinks people are killing each other. Christian thinks it’s a kinky sex act, which makes me wonder how many seasons we have to wait before we get the S&M chic episode. In this case, the designers are gloriously wrong, because inside they see this:

Tim delicately rings the bells to stop the fight to present the designers to their new clients and models: the divas of the WWE. They all introduce themselves and summarize their personae, but I’ve stopped listening because I’m too busy doing sit-ups and push-ups in a desperate attempt to feel slightly less slovenly. The normal models don’t inspire any envy in me, the genetic freaks that they are, but these women are just fucking fit as hell. I mean, sure, their boobs all come with serial numbers and they use more self-tanner than Michael Kors, but they’re all fit and healthy and pretty hot, if you like that sort of thing.

The designers have to make an outfit for the wrestlers to wear in the ring and they get to choose their models. Ricky chooses the funky dancer, Jillian goes for the sporty girl-next-door, Chris takes the rock/glam one, Christian gets the leather & lace girl, Sweet P picks the self-declared sex kitten and Rami ends up with the “All-American girl.” If the All-American girl looked like Barbie on steroids, perhaps.

They get thirty minutes to plan and then shop at Spandex House. I was already in love with this episode, but the fact that it taught me that there is an actual shop called Spandex House pushed it easily into best episode EVER. Some of the designers complain that the challenge isn’t fashionable enough, and I only wish that one of the models would body slam them into a work table for their attitude.

In possibly the most artificial scene this show has ever constructed, Jillian is shown watching a wrestling video on, of course, a sponsor’s video equipment and saying, “Flip her over! Straddle her!” like the gigantic wrestling fan she surely is. Then she takes a huge swig of her Pabst Blue Ribbon and lets out a tremendous belch.

Sweet P is attempting a pin-up girl type of boudoir outfit out of a silver fabric that belongs on the set of Xanadu. Rami is draping (of course) the pinkest pink that you ever did see. Christian is making chaps that he is convinced are the fiercest, most brilliant thing ever. Dude, they’re chaps. Until you want to call every Harley rider or Montana cowboy fierce and fashion-forward, you might want to get over yourself.

Suddenly, for no reason that is ever explained, Sweet P challenges Christian to an arm-wrestling match and somehow LOSES. No, Sweet P, do not give that spaghetti-armed mutant’s head another reason to swell!

During Tim’s walkthrough, he thinks Sweet P’s outfit looks like her model is going to the “WWE hospital” and calls it average. The model asks for more feathers, rhinestones and cut-out stars on the butt. Normally, I’d be with Sweet P in her resistance to such ideas, but this is the WWE challenge. If that outfit can’t be seen from space, you’re doing it wrong!

Fortunately for her, Ricky appears to be making an orange swimsuit, so at least she’ll have competition for the worst.

At the end of the day, everyone seems fairly confident in their design except for Rami, who is completely outside his comfort zone, and Sweet P, who is crying into her white feathered boa. Well, if you’re going to go down, you better have some fabulous accessories to mop up your tears.

Runway day! After the usual last minute flurry, it’s time for the outfits.

Christian’s outfit definitely stands out from all the others. I can’t believe I’m saying this about a leather & lace (pleather and lace?) outfit, but it’s the most subtle display of flesh on the runway. It’s okay, but nothing I wouldn’t have seen at a goth-industrial fetish club in the early 90s. Did I reveal too much there? Never mind. Plus, it’s yet another puff-sleeved jacket. Is anyone ever going to call him on that?

Jillian’s is rather cute. She really captures the sporty vibe with the colors and the boxer details on the shorts. The “girl next door” part is a bit harder when your model can clearly beat up everyone in the room, but she works with what she’s got.

Ricky made a swimsuit. Halle Berry could have come out of the water wearing this in that James Bond film and no one would have noticed the difference. The shapeless gold tunic she’s holding seems to have no point whatsoever. I mean, I like shiny objects as much as the next person, but why you would put a shapeless cape over someone who spends three hours a day in the gym is a mystery to me.

Okay, this is hot. This makes me get back on the floor for another set of sit-ups in the vain hope that I will have some excuse in my life to wear a strappy leather print top. The best part is the leopard print hoodie with the sparkling black lining. If Chris sold those, I’d buy two of them. I wouldn’t even have to do sit-ups to wear them.

Sweet P’s is fine, but…well, it’s fine, if the model was lounging about at home, waiting for the pool boy to arrive for her morning’s entertainment. As a wrestling outfit, it doesn’t quite work, unless she plans to seduce her opponents into the boudoir and then take them down with her thighs of steel. Plus, the sparkling silver top makes her boobs look like disco balls. Most women do not want their breasts to evoke thoughts of gay nightclubs.

I don’t hate Rami’s, but I definitely don’t like lots of things about it. I hate that the texture is different on the two sides of the bra, making the breasts appear strangely asymmetrical. I hate the little girl ruffles on the back of what is clearly not a little girl outfit (I will spare you my rant about the infantilization of fashion for grown women, but the short version is, “Oh, bite me.”). The general flirty idea of the pink and the skirt, with the rhinestoned shorts underneath, is fine, but not particularly interesting.

The judges like Christian, Chris and Jillian and aren’t quite so pleased with Sweet P, Rami and Ricky. Michael Kors does admit to having a bit of trouble with this challenge, saying that he’s so out of his element that he’s “like the pope at a sex club.” Ha! The judging is for the most part rather predictable, though it’s clear that Nina Garcia has no idea why any of them are there. The best part is the bitchface Christian gets anytime the judges praise anyone else.

And the winner is…Chris! Yes! Suck that, Christian. Of course, each win Chris gets makes his aufing several weeks ago look even more unjust than it did at the time. Still, yay for Chris. The bottom two are Sweet P & Ricky, and I had a moment of terror that Ricky would somehow squeak by again. However, Michael must have finally got his hands on those incriminating negatives because Ricky is gone. GONE. No more shall he torment us will dull, ill-fitting garments.

Ricky gets the long overdue kiss-auf and somehow doesn’t cry.

Next week: The designers go on one last field trip and get, according to Rami, “every designer’s dream.” Who cares about that, though; it will be the first Ricky-free episode this season!