Pop Vultures

Perhaps I can’t see the Emmy Awards, but at least I get to enjoy their British equivalent, the BAFTA Television Awards, a two-hour lovefest in which shows that Americans have never heard of get their mostly-deserved praise.

The live blogging starts after the jump.

8:00: The show starts on the red carpet, with Simon Pegg wanting a drink and Judi Dench being goosed by an unknown assailant. Who needs Ryan Seacrest? Besides, if he’s the busiest man in Hollywood, Graham Norton must certainly own that title in the UK. To quote Plattie, the man is camper than a row of pink tents. For a slightly paraphrased example: “Russell Brand apologises. Not for not being here, but for all the girls he promised to call but didn’t. Dame Judi Dench, are you blushing? Dirty Dame!”

8:10: First award of the night, best drama series, presented by some Radio 1 personalities that mean nothing to me. Fortunately, they skip the whole banter bit. If only the US awards shows would take a few tips from this production. Nominated are: Rome, Skins, The Street, and Life on Mars. If anything other than Life on Mars wins, I will call corruption and blatant voter fraud. And…The Street wins. So that’s how it’s going to be, is it?

8:15: Moving right along, it’s best comedy programme. The British really don’t mess around with these shows, do they? In the US, they’d be handing out best sound editing and foley artist for the first hour and a half. The noninees are: Star Stories, Russell Brand’s Ponderland, Fonejacker, and The Armstrong & Miller Show. To be honest, the only one I’ve ever seen is Russell Brand, so I’m in no position to comment on Fonejacker’s win. The acceptance speech is dreadfully dull and serious, so I trust that he saves all the funny for the show.

8:20: Some sort of sports award, presented by two sports people, one Olympic runner and an Olympic diver so tiny he might actually be an Oompa Loompa. Suffice it to say that I am completely out of my element here. The nominees are: some F1 racing thing, the Wimbledon men’s final, The Boat Race (fairly self-explanatory, yes?), and the Rugby World Cup 2007. The fast cars beat the fast rowers to win.

After watching ten people climb on stage to accept, Norton comments, “If anyone wants to know what it’s like to win a BAFTA, just follow a large group up.”

8:25: It’s time for the best entertainment performance, which is not the same as the best comedic performance, which comes later. The nominees are: Harry Hill (Harry Hill’s TV Burp), Alan Carr and Justin Lee Collins (The Friday Night Project), Simon Amstell (Never Mind the Buzzcocks), and Stephen Fry (QI). Wow, this award really won’t mean a thing to most Americans, will it? Harry Hill wins.

8:30: The current affairs award. Fiona Bruce and Ross Kemp are presenting, I think. The damn show is moving so quickly that I barely have time to type the winners, let alone pay attention to who all the presenters are. I’m sure their bulging goody bags will more than make up for my lack of attention. The nominees are: Dispatchers: Fighting the Taliban, Paronama: Dogfighting Undercover, Honour Kills and China’s Stolen Children. I am, apparently, far too superficial to stop watching Gossip Girl long enough to view something educational, so I will assume that China’s Stolen Children was the most heartbreaking of the lot, as it wins.

8:35. Time for the best continuing drama award, also known as “high quality shows that go on forever.” Also known as soaps. Patrick Duffy (!) presents. The nominees are: The Bill, EastEnders, Emmerdale and Holby City. Holby City wins, making this the fifth show I’ve never seen that gets the award. I am a dreadful excuse for an expat, aren’t I?

8:40: Award for best feature. The nominees are: Top Gear, Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares, Heston Blumenthal: In Search of Perfection and The Secret Millionaire. The foul-mouthed Scottish chef gets it. Sadly, he is not part of the acceptance team, so I don’t get to watch him try to speak for a full thirty seconds without swearing.

8:45: It’s the award for drama serial, which is apparently different from the Best Continuing Drama in that these shows actually end. It’s being presented by Milo Ventimiglia and Adrian Pasdar, so I’m very glad I know how to touch type and can watch and report simultaneously. The nominees are: Cranford, Britz, Five Days, and Murphy’s Law. Again, not ones that have made it across the Atlantic yet. The winner is Britz.

8:50: Single documentary. Perhaps a dull award, but it’s being presented by John Simm, so that makes everything better. I can’t be bothered to type out all the nominees for a category full of shows twenty people actually watched, so the winner is Lie of the Land, a documentary on British farmers.

8:55: Best entertainment programme, presented by Keeley Hawes and that kid from About A Boy who somehow grew up to look entirely normal. The nominees are: Strictly Come Dancing, Harry Hill’s TV Burp, Have I Got News For You, and Britain’s Got Talent. Did you know that Simon Cowell judges that last one? Between that, American Idol, and The X-Factor, that man has really made a career of mocking deluded fame whores. Harry Hill wins again.

9:00: It’s the Death Reel. Key difference between a British and American audience: no one claps till the end, thereby avoiding a sort of postmortem popularity contest. It’s rather nice.

9:05: It’s the single drama award, the “television version of the feature film.” I’m glad they explained that, because these highly specific categories are starting to confuse me a fair bit. The nominees are: The Trial of Tony Blair, Boy A, The Mark of Cain, and Coming Down the Mountain. The war drama The Mark of Cain wins it. Surprisingly, the acceptance speech does not contain a single anti-war message.

9:10: Norton introduces Simon Pegg to present the best comedic performance by saying that he’s gone on to make successful feature films: “Oh, is that a ripple of jealousy going around the room?” Pegg is, of course, charming and funny. The nominees are: Stephen Merchant (Extras Christmas special), Peter Capaldi (The Thick of It), David Mitchell (Peep Show), and James Corden (Gavin and Stacey). James Corden gets it, and gives a very humble, respectful speech for someone whose performance clip showed his ample bottom wearing a pair of red woman’s underpants.

9:15: Best factual series. Okay, I give up with all these categories. The winner is The Tower: A Tale of Two Cities. Anyone who has seen it is welcome to comment if it deserved the win, but I’m clueless.

9:20: The “special” award is presented by John Hurt to Paul Watson. I’m sure his speech was very touching, but considering that the BBC doesn’t have commercials, I was taking a snack break here and missed the whole thing.

9:25: Alan Dale presents the best international show award. All across the UK, I hear people shout “Jim Robison!” the moment he appears on screen. The man will never escape Neighbours. The nominees are Heroes, Family Guy, Californication and My Name is Earl. It seems that “international” is code for “American.” Still, it’s good to see that the BAFTA’s taste in US television is as questionable as the Emmy’s. The winner is Heroes. Yeah, just you wait till you see the second season, BAFTA voters. You’ll be asking for that trophy back pretty damn soon.

9:30: The audience award. It’s really quite efficient of the British to compress the entire idea of the People’s Choice awards into one award that is then shoe-horned into the more respectable ceremony. Nominated are: Strictly Come Dancing, The Apprentice, Gavin and Stacey, Andrew Marr’s History of Modern Britain, Britain’s Got Talent, and Cranford. Somehow or other, Gavin and Stacey beats out the ratings behemoth that is Strictly Come Dancing.

9:35: Best sitcom. Pay attention, snooty Americans who insist the only television comedy worth watching is British! You need to stay up-to-date with which titles you should casually drop into conversations when you wish to feel culturally superior. The nominees are: Peep Show, Bendorm, The Thick of It, and The IT Crowd. Peep Show wins it.

9:40: Best actor, presented by the incomparable Joanna Lumley. I’m not quite sure why she’s wearing an orange caftan, though. The nominees are: Matthew MacFadyen (Secret Life), Andrew Garfield (Boy A), Antony Sher (Primo) and Tom Hardy (Stuart: A Life Backwards). Seen any of them? Me neither. The winner is Andrew Garfield, who looks approximately 12. Okay, I checked, and he was born in 1983. Close enough. He’s actually quite sweet, asking “Are you sure?” as he claims his prize and stammering in an altogether charming manner.

9:45: Best actress, presented by David Morrissey. It’s good to see that starring in Basic Instinct 2 did not destroy his will to live. The nominees are: Jina McKee (The Street), Eileen Atkins (Cranford), Kierston Wareing (It’s a Free World), and Judi Dench (Cranford). Eileen Atkins wins, thereby earning the right to crow about beating Judi Dench for the rest of her life.

9:50: The final minutes are given over to the BAFTA fellowship award, which I miss because I am having a lengthy chat with my cat about how we don’t scratch the precious new Fes carpet. However, they are giving the award to the lecherous Bruce Forsyth, if you care.

And…that’s it. No, really. Two hours, and it’s over. Now, that’s how you do an awards show.