Pop Vultures

Jess is taking a well-earned week off after recapping the entire first season of 90210, but we would never think to deny you a Spelling fix. Instead, let’s look back at what happened to the actresses who played the various girlfriends of the sluttiest member of the cast, Brandon. Yes, Brandon Walsh had quite a list of ‘conquests’ in the first season, if you define a conquest as someone who meets Brandon, suffers through his self-righteous sermonizing, then runs far away before the next episode. Unfortunately, snogging Brandon also appears to be the kiss of death for many an aspiring actress. Keep reading to find out what happened to these poor, unfortunate souls.

Leslie Bega (Mary Ann Moore, pilot episode)
The original poor little rich girl was last seen telling Brandon that she needed time to herself. Considering how rarely teenage girls choose to find themselves in lieu of dating, it was clearly the first of many Brandon brush-offs. However, perhaps her choice to ditch him served the actress well, as she’s undoubtedly been the most successful of the lot. After spending most of the 90s in such rewarding roles as “Lucia the liquor store clerk,” she finally hit pay dirt with the role of Valentina La Paz, Tony’s girlfriend on The Sopranos, a role which landed her the dubious honor of being named the 67th sexiest woman by Stuff magazine in 2003. She was last seen playing Joyce and Sharon Monroe on Nip/Tuck. When she’s not working, which still seems to be fairly often, she is also apparently a chef specializing in raw food, including a stint as the Master Chef at Santa Monica’s RAW restaurant. Ah, California.

Paula Irvine (Sheryl, The First Time)
You know that the woman who deflowered Brandon isn’t going on to raging success, right? I mean, that’s one hell of a past to overcome. In fact, she only has three more credits listed on IMDb, and since one of them was a guest spot on Renegade, with Lorenzo Lamas, I don’t think we can count that. She also played Lilly Blake on twenty-one episodes of the US soap Santa Barbara and is likely best known, if that’s the right term, for playing Liz in Phantasm II and III. She seems to be the first real victim of the Brandon Curse.

Kristin Dattilo (Melissa, One Man and a Baby)
Melissa chose her baby over Brandon, which makes sense. If you must be with someone who throws hissyfits for no clear reason, choose the one who has the biological right to do so. The actress hasn’t done too poorly post-90210, racking up 36 credits on IMDb. Although most are single-episode guest roles, she did play Yola in both seasons of The Chris Isaak Show. While not exactly on a path of fame, fortune, or even name recognition, she is still working a couple times a year.

Karla Montana (Karla, East Side Story)
Karla’s acting spirit was apparently broken after having to pretend to be into Brandon’s racist ass in this unbearable episode. Although she was in two episodes of Blossom, her remaining credits are for shows no one has ever heard of, unless you bear a soft spot for NYPD Mounted. She does, however, have the most interesting title on her resume: I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her On a Meat Hook and Now I Have a Three-Picture Deal at Disney, also known as the pre-fame Ben Affleck’s 15-minute student film. She seems to have stopped acting altogether in 1995 and was last seen only on an episode of A&E’s Intervention, where she was part of the team trying to help her agoraphobic, OCD friend. The Brandon Curse strikes again.

Marcy Kaplan (Lydia Leeds, Fame Is Where You Find It)
Lydia Leeds introduced Brandon to the “dark” side of fame when she ignored his fumbling advances in favor of those of her co-star. Go, Lydia! Unfortunately, she seems to have caught a solid case of the Brandon Curse, only working in one-off episodes of forgettable shows. Diagnosis Murder, anyone? Last year, she wrote and starred in the short film The Prenup, which no one actually saw unless they made it a point to hit every screening at the Newport Film Festival. Other than that, she has not worked since 2002.

Next week, we jump back into the recaps, kicking off with the fabulous Beach Club episodes. Season 2 is sure to offer a whole new series of budding actresses, eager to play Brandon’s girlfriend and unaware of the dark fate that surely awaits them.