Pop Vultures

Beverly Hills 90210, S02, E01: Beach Blanket Brandon

Hello, and welcome to Season 2! As you’ll recall, Season 1 ended with an utterly unconvincing fake-out that the Walshes were moving back to Minnesota, which was resolved at the last minute, only to be replaced by a desperate “wait, we’ve been picked up for a second season!” cliffhanger of Brenda announcing to Dylan that she’s “late.” Will Brenda and Dylan become parents? Will Andrea and Brandon get together, or was their one chance spoiled by Kelly’s machinations? Read on!

And oh, it’s the new credits, which I remember painfully clearly from watching this the first time around, seventeen (gulp) years ago: the gang – including David, but not Scott, who has been cruelly dropped from the credits – clowns around on the beach, and each cast member has a little section where they are shot in black and white, and as they look up it changes to colour. Cool! Hip! Modern! Like a cell phone the size of a small car!

School. In the newsroom, Andrea brandishes a knife over an end-of-year celebratory cake and starts to make a pontificating speech, as everyone looks bored, and Brandon reminds her that dedication only goes so far: when that bell goes, they’re all history. She gets a clue and tells them all to have a nice summer. Everyone cheers.

In class, the clock ticks down to 3pm, and rowdy students fling paper about. Brenda bitches that at Beverly Hills High they get out early, and Kelly says it’s so pointless having a last day of school, since nobody cares. But Kelly, surely you have to have a last day or school sometime, or else you’ll be in school FOREVER? Brenda tells her to relax: in five minutes it’ll all be over and she can start working on her tan. Kelly says she’s looking forward to the summer of her life. Donna says she’d settle for interesting, and Brenda looks uncertain and avoids the issue by asking when summer has not been incredible.

The bell rings and kids pour into the halls. David tells Scott that they’re finally free. Poor, beleaguered Scott says it’s all right for David, but Scott will be spending the summer with his grandparents in Oklahoma. How expedient! David unconvincingly tells him he’ll have fun, and Scott asks him to name one thing fun about Oklahoma. Well, that “oh what a beautiful morning” song is pretty good. David tells Scott that he bets not one girl In Oklahoma has ever met a California stud before. They’re not going to meet one now, either.

Elsewhere, Kelly explains to Brenda and Donna – who is wearing a truly foul yellow mini-dress – that generally she spends her mornings in the sun and her afternoons playing volleyball, and doesn’t that sound better than hanging out in some acting class? Donna has to get her credit, and Brenda loves acting. Kelly tells them that they’re totally deserting her, and asks what cute guy is going to take an acting class, thereby proving how dumb she really is. Brenda snappishly asks Kelly if she can stop thinking about guys for one second, and Kelly bitches back that it sounds like that time of the month. “Well, it is,” says Brenda, as Donna smirks, “…and it isn’t, if you know what I mean.” Puzzled, Kelly asks what she’s talking about, and Brenda tells them that she’s five days late. “Oh my god,” says Donna helpfully, and Kelly asks if she’s sure. Brenda tells her to look at her: she hasn’t slept in two days. She walks off and Kelly and Donna follow, worried.

Andrea and Brandon tidy up the newsroom and Andrea asks if Brandon’s finding it tough to leave the old place. Brandon says he was just hanging around to help her clean up a little…and he wanted to clear things up between them. Embarrassed, Andrea tells him it’s no big deal, and Brandon disbelievingly asks if it’s no big deal that they almost became a couple? She says nothing and Brandon smiles, saying it’s a little tough to just sweep under the rug, doesn’t she think? Andrea says that it was a moment that almost happened but didn’t, and Brandon asks where that leaves them. “As friends, I hope,” says Andrea, “Who else can you make a total fool of yourself in front of, right?” Brandon smiles and tells her she didn’t, and she smiles back and says she knows.

In the drugstore, Kelly asks Brenda if she and Dylan used protection. Brenda tells her to keep her voice down, adding that of course they did, but not everything’s 100% effective. “Except abstinence,” says Donna airily, and Brenda sarcastically points out that it’s a little late now. Kelly hands Brenda a pregnancy test and tells her that it’s the only thing that’s going to give her 100% peace of mind. Brenda says she can’t believe she’s taking a home pregnancy test, but Kelly tells her to “think of it as your own personal chemistry experiment.” “Except I’m the guinea pig,” says Brenda moodily.

Chez Walsh, Kelly and Donna wait outside the bathroom and Kelly asks if Brenda’s all right. Brenda says she thinks so, and asks what colour the test’s supposed to be again. Kelly explains that it’s blue for positive, red for negative, and Brenda stomps out of the bathroom looking pissed off, and announces that it’s green. Kelly says that’s impossible, and Donna suggests that maybe it means it’s twins or something. I would not want Donna within 100 miles of me in a crisis. Kelly and Donna walk into the bathroom and Kelly picks the test up, saying that it’s a kind of pinkish green. Brenda asks Donna how it looks to her; “honestly?” Donna asks. “St. Patrick’s Day.” Brenda collapses on her bed and says she can’t believe this: she waits to have sex with the guy she loves, she acts responsibly, she takes every precaution, and she’s green. Kelly says that maybe she should see a gynaecologist. Brenda lies back on the bed, sighs, and says she loves Dylan and she thought she knew what she was doing, but she’s beginning to get the feeling that it wasn’t worth it.

Peach Pit: Brandon picks up some coins and asks Nat if it’s his imagination, or are the tips getting smaller? Nat explains that the customers are getting fewer – which you’d think Brandon would’ve noticed – because it’s the summer, they’re all at the beach, and nobody’s eating in town. Steve enters, wearing a horrendous Hawaiian shirt and yelps: “let the summer begin!” He and Brandon do some complicated punchy handshake across the counter, and Steve says there’s the most awesome bonfire down at the beach tonight and Brandon should bail out of there early.

Brandon says he needs the money, since he found this car around the corner, a ’65 Mustang convertible, pristine, with Brandon’s name written all over it. Not so pristine any more, then, is it, Brandon? The mechanic will hold it for him until the end of the summer, and Brandon just hopes he can scrape together the cash. Steve tells Brandon he needs a more lucrative job, and Brandon agrees, saying he thinks he made more lifeguarding the community pool in Minnesota last summer. “You were a lifeguard?” says Steve in disbelief; Brandon tells him not to act so surprised, and Steve says he’s not, but he should try to get a job down at the Beverly Hills Beach Club: they pay big money down there, and the fringe benefits are awesome. Brandon says it sounds great, but he doesn’t want to bail on Nat, and Steve says that Nat’ll survive, and it’s time Brandon started thinking about himself for once. “Started”? “For once”? Steve ignores Brandon’s demurrals and gives him the number for Mr Thomas, the manager of the Beach Club.

Chez Walsh, that evening, Cindy tells Brenda that’s what’s so great about school: summer actually means something. Brenda asks if everything starts to lose its meaning as you get older, and Cindy says that’s not what she meant, but it’s wonderful to be young and free. Brenda says she guesses she’s going to have to wait until she’s old to appreciate it. “Older,” corrects Cindy, and in the most awkward of segues, Brenda asks her how old she was when she went to see her first gynaecologist. Cindy asks what prompted this, and Brenda says she’s just curious: she’s going to have to go and see one sometime, isn’t she? “Yes,” says Cindy awkwardly, and asks if there’s something Brenda’s not telling her. Brenda insists that nothing’s wrong, whereupon foolish Jim walks in and asks what’s wrong. “Nothing,” they both say. Jim says he’s sorry he asked, and tells Brenda that Dylan’s here.

On the doorstep, Dylan tells Brenda that he doesn’t believe it: how? Oh, I’d be more than willing to demonstrate, Dylan. Ahem. Brenda says tearfully that she thought they did everything right, and he insists they did. She says she knew it was a mistake, and he says it was wonderful. “Dylan, what if I’m pregnant?” Brenda asks, and Dylan says he’ll do everything he can to help and support her. He tells her it’s his problem too, but as they hug Brenda says that it doesn’t feel that way.

Beach. Mr Thomas, manager of the Beach Club and stroppy black man, welcomes the prospective new lifeguards. As the camera pans down the line from weedy, tiny anxious-looking Brandon, to the huge, built men and women who are his competition, Mr Thomas explains that they’re looking for three lifeguards. Mr Thomas says he assumes they’ve all been trained and experienced in beach rescue, and Brandon raises his hand and says he’s been trained in lake and pool. Mr Thomas is indifferent, saying that he doesn’t care what they put on their application, it’s what they do out there – he gestures at the ocean – that he cares about. He yells that they should start with a series of ten sprints out to those two orange poles and back. He blows his whistle and everyone sprints off, Brandon seemingly – and surprisingly – in the lead.

Clinic. Dylan reads a baby magazine as Brenda registers, telling Kelly that she really feels weird being there without her mother. Kelly assures her that Dr Strathmore is the best, she and her mom have been seeing him for years. Brenda says she wishes that he wasn’t a him, and Kelly says that most gynaecologists are.

Kelly and Brenda walk into the examining room and Brenda freaks out at the sight of the stirrups, asking Kelly what they are. Kelly kindly explains to a horrified Brenda that it’s just the way they examine you. A nurse enters behind them and asks Brenda for a urine sample. Kelly tells her she’ll be right outside with Dylan, and leaves Brenda clutching the sample bottle and looking nervous.

At the beach, Mr Thomas yells at the prospective lifeguards to move it, and they come pelting back across the beach, Brandon trailing significantly. Ha! Mr Thomas points out a buoy, and tells them all to swim out to it and back, a half-mile swim. Everyone runs off, including an exhausted-looking Brandon.