Pop Vultures

In the surgery, the friendly Dr Strathmore enters and introduces himself to Brenda. Before he can go any further, she tells him that he may not believe this, but she thinks she’s OK now. “Since when?” he asks, and she says she guesses since she got there. He asks if she’s sure, and she says definitely, and apologises for wasting his time. Dr Strathmore says that she hasn’t wasted any time at all, adding that it’s perfectly normal to be late occasionally, but when a woman becomes sexually active she’s got to start dealing with a whole new set of responsibilities. Brenda ruefully says she’s beginning to realise that. The doctor asks if she’s ever been examined by a gynaecologist before, and suggests they set up another appointment, as it’s never too early to start.

Brenda walks back into the foyer where Kelly and Dylan are waiting anxiously. They leap to their feet, asking what happened, and Brenda says that everything’s fine, asking if they can just go now. “It was a total false alarm, right?” asks Dylan, and Brenda says yes, totally. Dylan gives a muttered “yes” of relief and a small air punch, then takes her to one side and says that while they’re here, perhaps she could see about getting on the pill. Brenda angrily says that he thinks it’s that easy, doesn’t he: she just pops a pill and then he doesn’t have to worry about anything. In the background Kelly sighs and rolls her eyes as Dylan says he was thinking about Brenda, but Brenda says he was thinking about himself. She walks off. Kelly dismissively tells him he’s just being a total guy and runs after Brenda, as Dylan looks pissed off and confused.

Back on the beach, all the lifeguarding hopefuls stand on the beach staring anxiously out to sea. One of them finally points, and there is Brandon, struggling in through the surf. Mr Thomas looks almost amused and thanks them all for coming in, saying that it’ll be a tough decision, but he has their numbers and will let them know by the end of the day. As they all leave, Brandon comes stumbling up the beach. Mr Thomas asks if he’s OK, and Brandon bravely says he’s fine, but he guesses he’s just more of a pool guard type. “I see,” says Mr Thomas, smiling, and Brandon says it’s a good thing he has another job to fall back on.

He smiles and shakes Mr Thomas’s hand, thanking him for the opportunity and saying it’s the best workout he’s had all year. I have some grudging respect for Brandon in this scene, I must admit. He goes to walk off, and Mr Thomas calls after him, saying that he’s got a position vacant for a cabana boy. With tips, he could make as much as a beach guard. Brandon laughs and says he thinks he can handle that, and Mr Thomas says he thinks he can too, which is why he’s offering him the job. My cabana boy fantasy just withered and died. Excited, Brandon asks when he starts, and Mr Thomas says tomorrow, 7am sharp. “Tomorrow?” asks Brandon, dismayed; he says that he should give Nat two weeks notice, but Mr Thomas explains that in about fifteen minutes he’s supposed to interview 35 prospective cabana boys, but he hates to interview people, so if Brandon wants the job it’s his, effective immediately; otherwise, Mr Thomas meets the competition. Craven Brandon says Nat should understand.

Chez Walsh, Brandon comes home to find Cindy sorting out the recycling. He tells her that she’s not going to believe this, but he just scored the most righteous job of the summer: he’s going to be a cabana boy at the Beverly Hills Beach Club. Cindy says it sounds wonderful, but what about his job at the Peach Pit? Brandon blusters that Nat will understand: how could he stand in the way of an opportunity like this? Cindy says it sounds like Nat’s not going to have much choice, and asks when he starts. “Tomorrow,” says Brandon, and Cindy asks if he’s not even going to give Nat any notice. Brandon huffily says that he really can’t, they need him to start right away, and he’ll get Brenda to fill in for him until Nat can find a replacement. He walks off, ignoring Cindy as she calls after him that Brenda has summer school.

Brenda sits writing on her bed and Brandon knocks. “Hey, beautiful sister,” he says smarmily. She asks why she gets the sneaking feeling he wants something, and Brandon says he wants to do her a favour. He just got offered this incredible job at the Beach Club for the summer, but he needs sometime to take over for him at the Peach Pit. Brenda stares at him and Brandon says that before she gets too excited, it’s only for a couple of weeks, until Nat can find… He stops, finally noticing Brenda’s sadface, and asks if she’s been crying. “You know how things seem really important,” says Brenda, finally, “and then you go out and do them, and you can’t even remember what you got so worked up about?” “Yeah,” says Brandon doubtfully, clearly meaning the opposite, and Brenda tearfully says that she always thought that she wanted a really cool boyfriend, and not to be one of the last people to have sex. And… “And what?” asks Brandon. Brenda tells him that up until a couple of hours ago she thought maybe she was pregnant. Brandon looks astonished, and Brenda hurriedly says she’s not, of course, otherwise she wouldn’t be so calm. She says that everybody talks about sex like it’s no big deal, and it is. Brandon gives her a hug, telling her she’s OK, and she says she knows. It just changed things, that’s all. He asks if Cindy and Jim know anything about this. She makes him promise he won’t tell them, and he finally agrees.

But his promise is for naught, as downstairs, Cindy is sorting out the recycling, and stumbles upon the package for the pregnancy test. “Oh my god,” she says, looking at it in horror.

Holding the packet, Brenda sits on the sofa between Jim and Cindy. Cindy asks if it’s hers, and if she used this test, and Brenda avoids the question by demanding where she found it. Cindy says she wasn’t spying, she was just separating the trash for recycling, and Jim tells Brenda they’re not angry with her, they just want to know what’s going on. Brenda says she’s so embarrassed, and Cindy says she doesn’t want her to feel that way; they want her to feel that she can discuss these things with them. Brenda says she knows, and finally admits that for a moment there she thought that maybe she was pregnant. “Did you do something,” Jim stammers, in the most awkward manner imaginable, “something that would give you reason to believe that if you were a few days late, that that would indicate that you were pregnant?” “You mean like sex,” says Brenda, deadpan, and, “Something like that,” Jim concurs. “Yes, of course,” Brenda says.

Jim leaps to his feet as if he’s going to find a shotgun and hunt Dylan down. Cindy asks how long this has been going on, and Jim tells her that having sex means making a very serious commitment, and at her age… “It’s a big responsibility,” Cindy interrupts, telling Brenda that she just wishes she had discussed it with them first. Jim says that he warned her about Dylan. “Jim,” Cindy says warningly, and Brenda tells him it was something that they both wanted to do. “As two consenting teenagers,” says Jim angrily, and she says yes. Much like Brandon and Cheryl, back when Jim gave Brandon all that backslapping thinly disguised as advice last season. Jim is a hypocritical asshat. Cindy tells Brenda that physically she’s ready, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that she is emotionally, and Brenda says that she thinks she is. Jim and Cindy look sad, and Cindy says that she just wonders if five years from now Brenda’s going to look back and think the same thing. Oh, shut up, you big guilt-tripper. Brenda wearily asks why they want to make her feel so bad. Cindy says they’re not trying to make her feel bad – yeah, right – and Jim says they just want her to realise that in this day an age especially, sex is not a game.

A car horn honks outside, and they all stand up, as Brenda says it must be Dylan. “Good,” says Jim, in a pathetic attempt at machismo, adding that he wants to talk to Dylan too. “Don’t you dare,” says Brenda, outraged. She walks to the door and there is Dylan, who kisses her and asks how she is. Cindy passes and says an awkward hi, as Dylan looks down to where Brenda is still clutching the box from the pregnancy test, asking with alarm why she has that box in her hand. Jim comes into the hall and says hi to Dylan, telling them not to stay out too late. “I swear to god we won’t,” says Dylan with entertaining desperation.

After they leave, Jim tells Cindy that he heard himself out there sounding exactly like his father when he was Brenda’s age: conservative, moralising, completely inflexible, all the things he swore he’d never be. He adds that he likes to think of himself as open-minded – oh, really? – and Cindy says it’s hard when it comes to your own kids; she feels the same way. Jim asks what they should do, and Cindy says they’re just going to have to put a lot of trust in their daughter.

Peach Pit. Brandon walks in and Nat jokes that he just can’t get enough of the place: the food’s so good that even the help comes on their off-days. He offers Brandon anything he’d like, on the house, adding that he’s in a generous kind of mood. Brandon shamefacedly admits that he has to talk to him about something: Nat knows how much Brandon loves him, and he knows how much Brandon loves working there… Nat interrupts, shaking his head and saying he just can’t give him a raise: Brandon knows how much their business is slashed in the summer, it happens every year. Brandon says he knows that…and that’s why he’s got to quit. He tells Nat about the cabana boy job. Nat painfully says that sounds great, this dump can’t compare, and Brandon says it doesn’t have anything to do with that, but the other job pays more, and he needs the money. Nat says he’s never been a person to stand in the way of another guy’s success, and Brandon smiles and thanks him, saying he’s glad he feels that way. Nat asks when the new job starts, and Brandon looks awkward and says tomorrow. “Tomorrow?” says Nat, aghast. Brandon says Nat’ll find someone, and he’ll help him. “By tomorrow?” yells Nat. Brandon says he’s sorry, and Nat sighs. “One day’s notice,“ he says, “Divorce me, but don’t desert me.” Brandon says he doesn’t know what to say. “OK,” says Nat, gathering his dignity, “I understand.” He shakes Brandon’s hand and tells him it’s been a lot of fun working with him, and to have a good summer. He walks off and Brandon looks sad, AS WELL HE SHOULD.