Pop Vultures

All our old favorites are wrapping up their seasons (with varying degrees of success, sadly), and we are facing a long summer, barren of quality original programming. But wait! The networks have already released their 2008-2009 schedules, teasing us with all the brilliant new shows we can expect come September. Yes, some interesting series are eagerly waiting their chance to claim our viewing hours…these just aren’t five of them. Maybe I’ll be surprised come September, but I won’t be holding my breath.

5. The Mentalist (CBS)
Why you can skip it: Here’s one that’s sure to join the long list of successful procedural shows featuring protagonists with psychic abilities. What’s that? There isn’t such a list? Of course there’s not, but that doesn’t seem to stop the networks from trying. What they fail to realize is that procedurals are popular because the audience enjoys watching characters piece together mysteries from small clues, using nothing more than their brains (and, in some cases, completely implausible technology). Solving the case through sudden flashes of psychic insight? Not that interesting, really — plus, it demands far less in terms of audience involvement. Add in the charisma vacuum that is Robin Tunney (I can’t be the only one that cheered when she was killed off in Prison Break), and this is a show you can easily afford to miss.

4. Lie To Me (FOX)
Why you can skip it: You know what’s even more exciting than someone solving crimes through psychic ability? Someone who does so by reading body language! Join us for an exciting hour of nose scratches, eye rolls, and crossed arms as the series lead, a “human lie detector,” solves a range of puzzling crimes. According to the press release, this “unique procedural and character drama is not simply a search for a criminal, but a search for human truth.” Uh-huh. The truth is that I can’t remember the last time I heard a duller idea — and I didn’t need to scratch my nose once while writing that.

3. Surviving the Filthy Rich (CW)
Why you can skip it: The CW has clearly embraced the teen soap genre, a choice I whole-heartedly approve of. Not only are Gossip Girl and the wonderfully bad One Tree Hill returning in the fall, but they’re also bringing back 90210. Still, with Surviving the Filthy Rich, it looks like they might have gone to the Gucci-and-Clearasil well one too many times. This show features a plucky young heroine who is forced to tutor two young rich girls in Palm Springs. Excited yet? Well, how about when you hear that she is “determined to win them over as she enjoys the perks of her new job - breathtaking private suite, gorgeous convertible and live-in chef Marco.” It’s the fish-out-of-water story from The OC, except starring a woman and really unlikable secondary characters! The show will live or die on the success of its 90210 lead-in, so it has a chance of lasting — but I don’t plan on being one of the viewers.

2. Man of Your Dreams (NBC)
Why you can skip it: Did you love What Women Want? Did you think the basic premise that all women want the same thing and think the same way was quaint and charming? Well, do we have the show for you! In this new series, Chicago’s “sexiest bartender” is on a quest to find love for others — and to end his womanizing ways by truly understanding the opposite sex! See, women are like a puzzle, and men need to put the pieces together and figure out that we just want someone who will listen and cuddle with us when we’re sad! Not even the presence of the lovely Michael Trucco is enough to remove the faint taste of vomit from my mouth.

1. Life on Mars (ABC)
Why you can skip it: I posted the preview for this one earlier this week, and the general consensus was that this show is going to suck. A lot. Let’s count the many strikes against it. 1) Gene Hunt is one of the greatest characters ever committed to screen, and Philip Glennister’s performance was perfection from start to finish. He was abrasive, rude, outspoken, closed-minded, violent, misogynistic, racist, homophobic and utterly irresistible. Colm Meany, bless his heart, doesn’t have a chance of creating an equally powerful character. 2) The lead, Jason O’Mara, was last seen playing the milquetoast love interest on Men in Trees. Unless he’s had some sort of charisma augmentation surgery since then, he’s not going to hold our interest for an hour. 3) The flawless, 16-episode narrative that ended exactly when and how it should will be stretched out indefinitely — and we all know what happens to shows with a complicated plot and no end date in sight (cough Alias cough). Just buy the original UK version and skip what is sure to be a pale imitation.

It’s not all bad news, thankfully, and next week we’ll look at the more promising series. At the very least, these five shows only leave more room in the viewing schedule for the good ones.

What do you think? Do any of these shows sound worthy of your time, or will you be changing the channel when they air?