Pop Vultures

It’s that time of year again. Dust off your gold lamé suit, pour yourself one hell of a stiff drink and carefully readjust your irony meter — it’s Eurovision time!

Fergus and I have been training for this by watching early 80s music videos while listening to overly earnest progressive rock and Swedish pop music, and I think we’re ready to see you through the next two hours. Join us in the comments below!

8:00:
Fergus: Good evening one and all from me in Glasgow! We’re watching the title sequence right now…paint being thrown around In Belgrade.
Marcia: I assume they’re going for some sort of metaphor with that?
F: I’m used to thinking ‘war-torn Belgrade’ so this is better.
M:Last year’s winner kicks thing off with a remarkably subdued performance. I’m a bit disappointed that we’re two minutes in and have yet to see a single pyrotechnic display.
F: Yes, but she’s an interesting mix of Peter Kay and Hiro from ‘Heroes’.
M: Okay, now we’re off — the first concept dance number! In this case, we have..are they shop mannequins, do you think?
F: Alarmingly similar. Thank you Marija Šerifovi?! And hello Kelly Brook! I think the warnings about not phoning in after lines have closed might be about half the show.
M: Okay, we haven’t even tackled the big question of the night: just how drunk is Terry Wogan?
F: Best job in the world.
M: Ha! “Can’t get a drink to save your life in this place.” Who does Terry think he’s fooling?
F: Well, not after Terry’s been to the bar. Okay, first song…romance from Romania.
M: It’s a terribly sincere number, isn’t it?
F: You know how some languages work in love songs? Romanian is one of them, I think. They could be telling each other to fuck off, but no matter. Sounds nice.
M: I think you’re right. I’m almost moved. Still, they’re not even wearing any sequins! The man is in JEANS, for fuck’s sake. I protest.
M: Okay, it’s the UK’s turn. We get to mock this one mercilessly, right?
F: And there are the sequins.
M: About time. I was getting worried. I’m strangely hypnotized by the multi-colored flashing floor.
F: It’s like an ever-changing travel rug.
M: I just never thought I’d see something that evoked a patchwork quilt and gay disco simultaneously. Well, they were much better than last year’s.
F: Albania, now.
M: Did he just say “a pleasing view of the first belly button of the evening”?
F: He did. Shocking for Radio 2. I’ve forgotten this song already.
M: Yeah, even the belly button is forgettable.
F: Celine Dion casts a long, back-of-the-spoon faced shadow over this contest, doesn’t she?

8:15
F: She sounds a little off-key to me too…or am I just getting old?
M: Don’t ask me. I’m nearly tone deaf. I’m just here to revel in the costuming delights. Like this purple…um…thing? They’re wearing CAPES.
F: The Spice Women.
M: They’re the Super Spice Woman! Except, not even cheesily good.Which country is this again?
F: Germany. This is also 100-1. They qualified automatically.
M: I’m glad that you did a bit of research. I got too distracted by the Lordi YouTube videos to bother with anything useful like, say, facts.

8:20
F: Armenia now, cradle of Christianity and fringed skirts.
M: When in doubt, distract the audience with shiny, swinging clothes. I am tapping my toes to this one, admittedly. Though I don’t think the woman can actually sing a note.
F: That won’t have been spotted by most. The pyrotechnics kicking off now.
M: An experimental number from Bosnia? Oh, dude. I think I’ll be watching this one with my jaw dropped the entire time.
F: The singer looks like a Victorian street urchin…straight outta ‘Oliver’.
M: There are…brides. And a woman hanging her laundry?
F: You saw right. This looks like another ill-fated attempt at transnational humour. W. T. F.
M: Right, I can’t type anymore. My brain just exploded and it’s only 8:25. KNITTING brides.
F: They’re not even really knitting. We won’t even get a garment out of this one! The crowd loved it.
M: I loved it. It shouldn’t WIN, but I am quite certain I will never see anything like that again.
F: Fo’ sho’

8:30
F: Sit back and enjoy a strong entry from Israel, at the far, far edge of Europe.
M: Poor guy has to follow up the dancing, knitting, brides. He has no chance.
F: Maybe they were making him a shirt?

8:35
F: Finland now. Lordi-esque, apparently.
M: I already love them.
F: They love their death-metal up there don’t they?
M: The leather keeps them warm, I imagine. And head-banging really raises the body temperature. Sadly, a few fireworks does not a new Lordi make.
F: This is a near-favourite to win. Can’t see it myself.
M: No way. It’s gotta be the Latvian pirates.
F: Is that your final answer?
M: When in doubt, ALWAYS back the pirates.

8:40
F: Ah, my favourite flag in all the world. Croatia. This number is nuts. Jimmy Durantski. Or perhaps an 80-year-old Tom Wolfe.
M: Okay, we have a background of flying doves, a woman in a red dress doing an incomprehensible interpretive dance, and, Tom Wolfe. Ah, Eurovision.
F: All things at once…That’s why we love it so. When did you first sample the delights of Eurovision, my American friend?
M: Two years ago. I missed it the first year I was here. I did not KNOW.
F: Poland, now.
M: You know, Terry Wogan isn’t even annoying me that much this time. Sure, he still insists on calling all women ‘girls’ and pointing out their body parts, but otherwise he’s almost likable. And what COLOR is that woman?
F: They tan well, the Poles. They don’t mime playing musical instruments too well though… I am not fooled.
M: Is there really anything to say about this song, other than the fact that it’s sung by Polish Barbie and features fake violin playing to a song without violins?
F: A magical combination at Eurovision time.

8:45
F: Iceland are taking the piss, i think. It’s Tintin and friends.
M: And yet, it’s a catchy dance ditty. I think, anytime people willingly wear black and pink in combination, they forfeit any chance to be taken seriously.
F: And I don’t think they’re a genuine couple either.

8:50
F: Turkey now. Odd things are happening in the background
M: Oh, I have a soft spot for Turkey. I’ll probably like it even if it sucks.
F: No, this is okay. Sung by Jeff Goldblum’s lovechild. There are demonic goat statues behind them. This is strong stuff!
M: I thought they might be Satanic muppets. Statues are probably better.
F: But everybody loves Muppets, as you know.

8:52
M: We are going to skip any reference to the green room. It does not exist.
F: I see nothing. Get that vodka.
M: If there are any readers that have never seen Eurovision, just trust us. Really.

8:55
F: We’re nearly halfway!
M: Favorite so far?
F: Hmm…Turkey, actually. But I think Greece might win. You?
M: Because I am wrong in the head, I’m still a bit in love with B/H, but Turkey was actually the best song.
F: And now we have Portugal. Not really my cup of Mateus Rose.
M: It’s very…dramatic.
F: Looks aren’t everything, but…I have to call this one. I’m scared of that lady.
M: I think she could probably take you, Fergus.
F: I would run faster than you thought possible.

9:00
M: PIRATES! Pirates in satin!
F: I have a pirate fact! The distinctive speech pattern of pirates is a result of frontal lobe damage caused by excessive alcohol consumption and banging their heads on low beams. There you are, you don’t get that stuff from Terry Wogan, do you?
F: This is the gayest number yet, by a thousand yardarms.
M: The Village People would reject it as being too gay. Admit it, this is catchy.
F: I’m tapping my wooden leg. Winner?
M: Sadly, no. But it’s the winner in my heart.

9:03
F: Sweden now. This lady’s won before, Shouldn’t she be banned? Oh my.
M: Um. Is that human?
F: Jocelyn Wildenstien’s little sister? Or brother?
M: Eurovision: entertainment and a PSA against gratuitous plastic surgery!
F: This is a favourite, 8-1. The fringed skirt is big this year, eh?
M: Perhaps we can look forward to a 2009 full of flappers and speakeasies.

9:06
M: Denmark, continuing the 20s revival with the always jaunty newsboy cap.
F: It’s the ‘Oliver!’ theme. A bit of Gael Garcia Bernal?
M: No no no. You’re definitely a straight man, Fergus.
F: True, true…
M: Surprisingly swarthy, though.
F: Not a bad tune here. Denmark have a decent track record. The Scandinavians OWN pop, after all.

9:10
F: Georgia now…the singer is apparently blind. That explains the costumes.
M: Hey, it takes an especially fashion-forward mind to combine trash bags and sequins.
F: Ooh, I missed the costume change (to all white).
M: Yeah, me too. We’ll just overlook that and move on to the Ukraine.

9:15
F: This is the easy favourite, apparently. Kiev next year? Sultry…
M: It’s the best of the fringed skirt/singing/dancing numbers.
F: Yup…this is strong. Also sexy lady with deep voice and foreign accent = good.
M: Plus, she’s crawling on the props. That should be good for a vote or two.

9:18
M: Oh, dear. It’s the French. Will they go for the post-ironic pop, do you think? And more blind backup singers. Oh, and a golf cart.
F: See, I just love this. But I am post-ironic.
M: Okay, he seems to be praying to a solar eclipse.
F: Like the Mayan thing there.
M: I am unmoved.

9:22
F: We’re off to Azerbaij…Azerbja…Azerbij…east!
M: Damn. I had hoped you would know how to spell it and cover for me. Still, I don’t care if I can’t spell it - they have angels and devils on stage, and therefore they have my love.
F: This is odd. Look at the cowardly lion from The Wizard Of Oz in black. Also, do they have Angels and Devils in Muslim countries?
M: Forget theology. They have feathers and pyrotechnics. That’s really all I ask of Eurovision.

9: 26
F: Greece next. Performed by Britneyos Spearsos.
M: “My secret combination is a mystery to you”?
F: Wise words. That’s how it should be, really.
M: Well, it wouldn’t be much of a secret if it wasn’t a mystery.
F: More fringes…I should update my wardrobe.
M: Somehow, she’s wearing even fewer clothes all of a sudden. I have to stop typing — people take their clothes off every time I look away from the screen.
F: I’m glad you were watching the screen for Portugal then.

9: 30
F: This is a comedy song, from Spain. I fear the worst.
M: What, just cause they have the Spanish Elvis Borat?
F: He looks like the third Chuckle Brother.
M: This is bad. And not the good bad of the pirates or the Bosnian laundress, either.
F: What are we to make of the words at the back?
M: I don’t know. I refuse to put more thought into their performance than they did.
F: Are those pyrotechnics or mortar fire?
M: Definitely the low point so far.

9:34
F: Home team up now. Third from last!
M: It seems oddly sincere after Spain and Azerbaimumble.
F: No fringes. Empire line all the way.
M: Well, we know they can’t win, then. Though the purple eye shadow is threatening to take over the stage.
F: Her ‘crew’ look like catering workers too. Rotten. Nulle points, I hope.

9:38
F: Russia now. Expect no points from Georgia.
M: Okay, we have a man with his shirt unbuttoned nearly to the navel, writhing on the floor.
F: 11-4 odds. Darius?
M: The teenager vote may have an influence on this one. Okay, now we have the writher, the figure skater and the violinist.
F: Your typical three-piece. “We believe in Jew?” I must have misheard.

9:41
F: Last song! Norway.
M: You know, Mystic Tan has a lot to answer for. Though it’s a rather nice pop song. I actually don’t hate it.
F: It is…and from a purely sexist point of view, I’m actually impressed with the fact it’s not all skinny waifs on stage this year.
M: No feathers, no sequins, no fireworks, no fringe…what an odd way to end things.

9:47
M: And that’s it, and now we have…Vlade Divac?
F: Serbo-Croat for ‘Fucking Huge’. Okay, recaps are running while everyone votes. Let’s have your bets.
M: I think Norway will be in the top 3. As will, sadly, Finland. Death rockers of Europe will unite. And…Ukraine, maybe? What do you think? Keeping in mind that I am ALWAYS wrong?
F: I think Russia, Turkey and the Ukraine in the top three. We’re going east next year.

22:02
F: The voting is over! The fun begins!
M: By fun, can I assume you didn’t mean the wedding AND funeral band that ‘entertains’ us while they tabulate the votes? Wogan suggests that we use this time to make a stiff drink, and that sounds like a very sensible idea.
F: He’s leading by example. This is a shockingly bad half-time show.
M: I wouldn’t know. I was off getting a vodka tonic.
F: This is funeral music? I wouldn’t mind being dead next time they play this.
M: Oh, my. They’ve added dancers.
F: Yes, but the crowd loves it.
M: Perhaps the crowd was just numbed to pain after the Spain number?
F: I keep thinking it’s building to a finish, and it never does.

22:15
M: Okay, we’re finally getting the results.
F: 43 juries! It’s Carrie Grant!
M: Someone actually voted for the pirates? I really didn’t see that coming.
F: It’s the UK. They do irony.
F: Ukraine give twelve points to Russia, forestalling war.
M: Greece again? I am never going to get that song out of my head, am I?
F: No votes for the UK yet.
M: No one ever votes for the UK, though. Only Ireland voted for them last year.
F: UK gets six points from San Marino!
M: That’s a country?
F: Very blonde lady from Latvia gives Russia 12.
M: Never underestimate the power of a figure skater.
F: I’m surprised at the low scores for Ukraine overall.
M: Perhaps the voters forgot which fringe-wearing teenager they liked? Okay, let’s just wait till something interesting happens. Waiting. Still waiting.
F: Poland give fuck all points to Russia, of course.
M: But remember, it’s all about the music.
F: Four countries left…Russia have it.
M: Rather anti-climactic, isn’t it?
F: A little. Next year in Moscow?
M: You called it. Any final thoughts?
F: Well, it went a little flat towards the end, but entertaining throughout. Hiro presenting the prize now…deserved, after all. It was a good tune.
M: I’m still convinced the figure skater/violinist combo pushed them over the edge.
F: The UK needs more athletes/classical musicians.
M: We’ll get on it for next year. You can bring your discus skills, I’ll start mastering the cymbals.
F: It’s in the bag!
M: And on that note, let’s call this a show. Same time next year?
F: Looking forward to it! Thanks for inviting me over, and thanks to all of you who sat through us AND the show! Good evening and bon soir!
M: May you all dream of sequins and pyrotechnics.

That’s it for the live show, but feel free to keep debating the good, the bad and the correct spelling of Azerbacough below.