If you were lucky enough to sit in on the pitch meeting for NBC’s summer shows, in which the horror anthology Fear, Itself was greenlit, you likely would have heard something along the following lines:
Executive 1: Right, it’s summer, so kids are staying up late to watch TV, right? We can’t very well expect them to watch reruns of ER.
Executive 2: Come on. No one really believes that show is still on the air.
Executive 3: We’ve got it covered. Two words: Celebrity Circus. What hip young thing won’t want to tune in to watch Blu Cantrell juggle knives? [Ed. note: as much as I wish I was, I am not making this up.]
E1: Well, sure, that covers us for Wednesday, particularly if we can get Joey Fatone into a cannon.
E2: Good luck with that. You know there’s a reason they call him the Fat One, right?
E3: That’s perfect for the younger kids. They still love Bobby Brady, right? It’ll be great. But what about teens? Apparently — and don’t quote me on this — that’s where the advertising money is.
E2: Fucking CW. Just out of curiosity — does anyone know if they’re hiring?
E3: I’ve got it! (holds hands out expectantly, savoring the moment) The Princess Diaries, the series. Fabulous, isn’t it?
E1: No — even better: The Princess Goes to Cheerleading Camp! It’ll bring in girls AND boys who want to watch girls in short skirts. It can’t lose.
E2: You’re high, right?
E3: Oh, but what if people start thinking that we’re copying the “See-ya W”? See what I did there? The “See-ya W”?
E1: Yes, yes, very clever. And an excellent point. We certainly couldn’t lower ourselves to that. Wait, I know! Kids today, they really like their horror.
E3: Oh, we can do that! I’m sure Robert Englund needs a job.
E1: But we gotta keep it fresh. Keep it new. It’s all about Saw and Hostel these days. Really flimsy plots with a ridiculously high degree of gore.
E2: Seriously, you’re high. You gotta share it with me. You know we’re on network television, right? The censors, well, they still frown on televised disembowelment.
E1: No, no, no. We find young actors from really popular shows — like that red-headed secondary character, whats-his-name from Friday Night Lights — and make the women wear really low-cut tops. Smear some red food dye and Vaseline about and, boom, surefire hit!
E2: Is it in your water? Pass it over here. Seriously, dude. Help me out.
E3: No, it’s perfect! Sure, we can’t keep any of the gore that actually inspires all the fear and endorphins that gets them into the theaters, but we can totally recreate the flimsy plots and find completely interchangeable actors! It’ll be just like the movies, but at home.
E1: And we’ll make sure to use really basic characterizations. Like, the smoker? He’s got to die first. Then, the audience will feel really smart when they figure out what’s going to happen.
E3: We are geniuses. NBC will be back on top in no time.
E2: Yes, of course. Now, if you’re not reading those classifieds, would you mind passing them down here? Thanks.
And that was how Fear, Itself came to be. I watched it so you don’t have to. It’s my job. You, on the other hand, should watch Swingtown. Or read a book, or clean your closets. Possibly get a root canal. Just…don’t watch this show. Sure, it’s terrifying, but I rather doubt that “terrifyingly bad” is what they were aiming for.
Did anyone else make it through the first episode?
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