They walk up to the vending machine, where a random woman with big hair, wearing a lacy nightgown, tells Brenda that this is going to sound like she’s asking for spare change, but does she have an extra quarter? Technically, that is asking for spare change, surely? Brenda hands it over, and asks the woman if she’s on her honeymoon. “Not too obvious, huh,” says the woman with a simpering smile. A man comes up behind her, wrapping her in a robe, and when the woman gushes that he didn’t have to do that, he says he missed her. They kiss lengthily, as Brenda rolls her eyes and clears her throat and Dylan lurks moodily in the background. When they finally break apart, Random Woman asks Random Man if he has a quarter, she had to borrow one from… “Brenda,” she says, and introduces Dylan, who raises a hand, face moodily averted. Random Woman says she’s Alison and introduces Neil as her husband. “Do you like the sound of that,” she coos to Neil, “my husband Neil?” Neil says it’s music to his ears, and suggests they get back to the cabin so she can sing it to him. Wow, they really are nauseating.
Steve comes storming out of the liquor store. “What a jerk,” he spits, “Who does this country hick think he is?” David says he was the owner, and Steve yells that he doesn’t know diddly about running a business: why else wouldn’t he sell him a six pack for twice the price? “Because you’re underage,” suggests Donna. An older couple get out of a car, and Steve says it’s time for Plan B: the front man. He approaches and, brandishing some money, asks them if they can help him out of a jam. Donna tells David that they’ll never go for it, but loyal David says that Steve knows what he’s doing. Indeed, Steve comes back and says they’re in. He just turned on the charm – and told them they could keep the change of the $50.
Back in the cabin, Brenda and Kelly eye each other over handfuls of cards like they are high-rollers in Vegas, but are of course playing Go Fish. Meanwhile, Andrea sits on the couch reading, and overseeing Brandon’s fire-building in a way that would drive me stir crazy, until Brandon snaps at her that he knows how to build a fire. Andrea pompously says that so far she doesn’t see any fire, and suggests adding some newspaper, whereupon Brandon, while being mocked by Dylan in the background, goes into a rant about the numbers of fires he’s built in his lifetime, but the problem is that they don’t have any dry wood. Dylan suggests that “young fire-starter,” as he calls Brandon, go and get some from the newlyweds next door.
Brandon and Andrea knock on the door and Neil and Alison open it tentatively. Brandon says that they don’t mean to bother them – “on this night of all nights,” adds Andrea – but do they have any dry firewood that they could spare? Neil starts to refuse, but Alison enthusiastically invites them in, telling them that Neil was just about to make a toast. Brandon and Andrea huddle by the fire, and Andrea weakly says they don’t want to intrude, but Alison says that they must be freezing, and offers some hot chocolate. Neil raises his champagne and gives a lacklustre “cheers.”
Outside the liquor store, the old couple hustle into their car. David asks Steve if that isn’t his old couple over there, but Steve, standing on the porch by the door, says testily that they haven’t come out yet. Donna suggests that they snuck out the back. A closed sign appears in the store window, and the old couple’s car pulls off, as Steve yells after it. Lightning crashes with tedious symbolism.
In the honeymoon cabin, Alison explains to Brandon and Andrea that even though she and Neil knew each other in high school, they were just friends, but when she bumped into Neil in Cambridge something clicked. “You went to Harvard?” squeaks Andrea excitedly to Neil, displaying her subconscious sexism, but he says he went to BU: Alison’s the brain, not him. Brandon asks if they didn’t have any doubts, any sneaky little feelings that they were making a heinous mistake. Andrea tries to shush him, but Alison says she understands what he means. She says you can’t be sure, and Neil adds that you’ve just got to go with your gut instinct. The two of them snuggle sickeningly, and Neil suggests that maybe they should demonstrate. He pushes Alison down onto the sofa as she, polite to the end, asks if she can get Andrea and Brandon any more hot chocolate, but Brandon says they’re expected next door. He gets up and yanks Andrea to her feet as Neil and Alison hump on the sofa. Andrea looks on admiringly, clearly seeing Brandon and herself reflected in Alison and Neil, and has to be pulled out the door by Brandon.
Back at the cut-price cabin, everyone but Dylan sits around the fire as Steve complains about the senior citizen con artists, adding that he can’t wait till he’s twenty-one. “Why,” asks Brenda dismissively, “so you can buy beer? Big deal.” I am in the very rare position of agreeing with Steve: being able to buy beer is a massive deal. Steve asks Brenda if she never wishes she was older, and she says sometimes, but she’s really not in a rush to be out on her own anymore. Steve says it’s got to be better than where they are now, and David agrees, griping about everybody saying that you can’t do this because you’re too young. “Or you can’t dance in this club,” says Kelly; “or you can’t watch this movie,” adds Donna. “Or you can’t vote in an election, even though you might know more than your parents,” says Andrea bitterly. Aw, Andrea. Kelly bitches that parents don’t vote anyway; Brandon says that his parents do, but everyone concurs that the Walsh parents are different: Steve says they’re the exception, like they’ve discovered the meaning of life.
Dylan, from his prime moping spot on one of the beds, sarcastically asks Steve what the meaning of life is, and Steve admits he hasn’t got a clue. “You said it,” says Kelly, and Steve asks if she knows. “Yeah,” says Kelly simply, “It’s love.” Brenda smiles, but Steve laughs. Andrea says Kelly’s right. She can’t prove it empirically, but there seems to be a heightened awareness experienced by people in love that transcends the physical plane. “But it won’t buy you dinner when you’re hungry,” Dylan says grimly. Brenda asks what he’s trying to say, that life is all about money? “Survival, that’s it, getting by,” says Dylan, “love just gets in the way, confuses people, makes them scattered.” Oh shut up, James Dean. Brenda coldly says that she doesn’t think those newlyweds next door would agree. Brandon asks what Andrea means, that if you’re not in love you’re some sort of lesser specie? And yes, he does actually say “specie,” because he is dumb. Brenda says that all Andrea’s trying to say is that Alison and Neil are able to tune out the rain and the cold and be at one with each other. Foreshadowing!
And yes, there is a knock on the door, and Brenda answers. It is Alison, in tears. Brenda and Andrea, distressed, ask what’s wrong – is something wrong with Neil? “Yes,” says Alison childishly, “he’s a stupid idiot.” Dylan looks vindicated, as Alison says to the room at large that she doesn’t want to impose, but do they have room for one more in there tonight?
More crashing thunder of symbolism. Andrea brings Alison water and asks if she doesn’t think divorce is a little drastic, and Alison says she’s right – they’ll get an annulment. “The transcendence of love has once again been transcended,” says Dylan, nastily and ridiculously, “so much for your theory, ladies.” “I don’t understand,” frets Andrea to Alison, “what went wrong?” “The bastard got me pregnant,” hisses Alison. “So?” asks Steve, “He married you, didn’t he?” I hate every man on this show, sometimes. Alison explains that she didn’t know she was pregnant before last week, and she was planning to tell Neil tonight…until she found out he doesn’t ever want to have children.
Neil comes to the door and asks if his wife is there. Brandon indicates Alison, and Neil goes over to her, whereupon she bursts into tears again and says she has to use the restroom. Neil asks everyone what he did wrong. “Man’s eternal question,” says Dylan. Neil explains that they were just talking, and boom, she blew up on him. David starts to explain, but Kelly says that she thinks they should let Alison discuss it with him. Outraged, Neil asks if she told them, and Steve tells him that whatever he does, don’t go begging for forgiveness. Neil asks why he should, he didn’t do anything wrong. Steve tells him to stick to his guns, and Brandon says he agrees: he’s got to hang tough on this one. Andrea asks Brandon how he can say that when he knows what the problem is, and Brandon says that’s exactly the point: how come they know and Neil doesn’t? I would admittedly be pretty annoyed if I were Neil.
Alison comes out of the bathroom, and Neil asks her if they can go, but she asks someone to tell him that he can go whenever he likes. Andrea asks her if it wouldn’t be better to talk things out, but Alison says that she thinks he said it all before. Increasingly frustrated, Neil asks what he said, and why she’s making him do this in front of a bunch of strangers. Alison histrionically asks why not: he’s as much of a stranger to her as they are. I am starting to hate Alison, but happily Neil then tips the balance back in her favour asking if it’s that time of the month. Alison – quite rightly – punches him in the shoulder and returns to the bathroom.
Andrea tells Neil that, considering Alison’s state of mind, she thinks that he should let her stay where she is for the time being, and he complains getting marital counselling from the teenagers. Kelly and Steve bitch about Neil’s “you’re too young” attitude, and Neil asks what they know about it, have they ever been married before? “No,” says Kelly meaningfully, “but a lot of us have been through a divorce.” “Two divorces,” says Steve; “and a trial separation,” adds David. Neil asks if all their parents are divorced, and Kelly gives him the rundown: hers are, Steve’s are, Dylan’s are, Andrea’s aren’t, Brenda and Brandon’s aren’t, David’s are. She adds that she can hardly remember what it’s like to have her mom and dad living in the same house. Andrea asks how old she was when they split up, and Kelly says she was three and a half. Steve says he was five, and Brandon asks Dylan how old he was – about six, right? “So?” says Dylan belligerently, “it’s no big deal, better to split up than to spend the rest of your life fighting.” Kelly says it was a big deal to her. She can remember when she was young, whenever she had a new friend whose parents were divorced she’d always think, “Hey, she’s a nice girl, it’s not her fault that her dad moved out.” – that was how she reassured herself that it wasn’t her fault. Aw, that’s actually pretty sad.
Alison silently comes out of the bathroom as Neil says he knows divorce is no picnic for kids, but he and Alison don’t have any, and they don’t plan on having any either. “See, there you go,” Alison yells. Neil asks her if that’s what this is all about: she wants kids? He says she told him they didn’t fit in with her lifestyle, but Alison says she was single then. She says that he told her he loved kids, he’s always raving about his nieces and nephews, and Neil says he loves them very much, particularly when they all go home – does that suddenly make him a bad person? “No,” says Alison, “it just makes you a bad father…-to be.” “Honey,” he says dismissively, then belatedly gets a clue and asks if she’s kidding him. Alison shakes her head. “Oh my god,” he says, to the accompaniment of a convenient clap of thunder. Neil says that Alison told him she couldn’t get pregnant, and she says that apparently it was a misdiagnosis. At this point Dylan, sorely testing my love, takes it upon himself to leap to his feet and yell that he’s had it. If they want to sit around there and play Dear Abby they can knock themselves out, but he’s history. When did he become such an attention-seeking drama queen? Sneak out quietly if you don’t like what’s going on, dude. Dylan asks Neil if he minds him using his cabin as Neil doesn’t seem to be needing it at this moment, and Neil distractedly says it’s fine. Dylan leaves, and Brenda gets up and goes after Dylan. Again.
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