Pop Vultures

Doctor Who, S04 E12: The Stolen Earth

The week: everyone from the extended Whoniverse turns up in one of the best episodes of Doctor Who ever.

We open, it seems, directly after the dramatic finalé of last week’s episode - the Doctor and Donna open the door of the Tardis back on earth to see…everything is totally normal. They’re on an ordinary suburban street, where a milkman is doing his rounds. Actually, is that still normal? I haven’t seen a milkman on this side of the Irish sea for well over a decade. God, I miss milk in proper milk bottles. Anyway, the Doctor asks what day it is, in the manner of Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, and the milkman, obviously thinking something along the lines of “Oh God, who is this crazy person who just came out of that weird wooden phone box?” says “Saturday”. “I like Saturdays,” says the Doctor, and they head back into the Tardis, where there’s a really obvious shot of the Doctor’s hand-in-a-jar, which for some mysterious reason just happens to be placed right under the control console. The Doctor says that if Rose could get through to Donna’s parallel universe, than something is breaking down. Donna tries to comfort the still troubled Doctor by suggesting it’s a good thing that he’ll get to see Rose again, and after a long pause he grins and says, “Yeah.”

Outside, the milkman sees all the bottles on his van have started vibrating. Oops.

Inside the Tardis, there’s a huge jolt. But the Doctor says that the Tardis hasn’t moved - it’s the earth that’s in motion. They run to the door and find themselves floating in deepest space. The earth has moved quite a long way away.

Cut to…Martha! She’s, like, UNIT’s chief medical officer or something. She’s in New York, and everyone is panicking and falling about the place. She starts to help the injured, when one of her colleague tells her to look at the sky. “Oh my God,” says Martha.

And now it’s Torchwood. Oh, Torchwood. You would be so much better if the powers that be just accepted that John Barrowman can’t act. In fact, the only decent actor is the bloke who plays Ianto, so I’m delighted to see him and Gwen (the only remaining members of the Torchwood team) with their glorious leader.

Another cut, to Sarah Jane. I only saw the first episode of the Sarah Jane Adventures because it aired over Christmas; the rest of the series aired in the Children’s BBC slot, aka during working hours, which is why I’ve never seen it, but I have heard that it’s genuinely pretty good. She’s with her alien son, Luke, and they use her supercomputer Mr Smith (”I wish you’d stop using that fanfare,” she says amusingly as Mr Smith blares a jaunty trumpet blast as part of his start up procedure) to try and find out what’s going on. Mr Smith tells them to look outside.

Wilf and Sylvia are outside their house. Wilf is clutching a cricket bat. “It’s them aliens again!” he cries. “What do you want, you green swine?” Heh. A terrified Sylvia tells him to look up at the sky.

Sarah Jane and Jack are both looking up at the sky in their various locations. “It’s impossible!” breathes SJ. “It’s impossible!” bad-acts Jack. Hey, it’s that milkman again. As he gazes skywards, there’s a big flash and Rose appears, holding a fucking huge gun. “Right, now we’re in trouble,” she says, locking the gun. “And it’s only just beginning.” It’s a shot straight out of Buffy. It will not be the first shot straight out of Buffy in this episode. I think Mr Davies should write Joss Whedon a cheque. We see the sky for the first time, and it’s full of huge planets which seem to be hovering directly over earth.

Credits! Complete with loads and loads of names. Everyone’s here! Okay, I got a bit fangirlish at this.

Back in the Tardis, Donna is understandably very upset about the lost earth. “If they’ve moved, they’ve lost the sun…they’re all dead. My family, my whole world.” The Doctor, meanwhile, is geeking out over the technology necessary to make a whole planet disappear. Priorities, Doctor. He says they need help: “I’m taking you to the Shadow Proclamation”. Cue ominous music.

That newsreader who used to be called Mal Loup is on telly telling us that no one can explain the 26 planets that have suddenly appeared. The channel switches to none other than Richard Dawkins saying it’s an imperical fact that earth has moved (hee) and then switches again to Paul O’Grady, cuddling a very funny, cute dog and making lame jokes about the planets that make at least one viewer laugh - Ianto. Captain Jack notices this unseemly laughter and snaps, “There’s a time and a place.” “It is funny, though, ” says Ianto sheepishly, with great comic timing. I love Ianto. Gwen is talking to poor old Rhys and telling him for the ten zillionth time that she’ll be home as soon as she can. Jack announces that an artificial shell is sealing in the earth - “someone wants the earth alive.” But WHO? They look at the screen, but Gwen sees something on the screen that isn’t a planet. It’s some sort of space station. Sarah Jane is looking at it too. Mr Smith has detected moving spaceships. Luke looks excited.

In UNIT, Martha is trying to get through to the Doctor, to no avail. Someone is blocking the signal — and whoever they are, they’re coming into orbit.

Rose strides down a street full of panicking, looting people going mental. She looks very badass with her huge gun. She sees some teenage boys looting an electronics shop and goes in. “Right, you two, you can put that stuff down and run for your lives!” Then she locks the gun, smiles and says, “D’you like my gun?” I can’t do justice to the awesomeness of Billie’s delivery here. She’s chirpy enough to be a bit scary but not chirpy enough to be camp and annoying. The kids run away and Billie checks out a computer screen, where she can receive some sort of satellite image of the space station.

Wilf and Sylvia are watching the news and trying to get in touch with Donna. Poor Wilf is all upset.

Martha rings Jack to ask if he’s been able to contact the Doctor. She tells him she’s in New York, working on UNIT’s “Project Indigo.” Jack, of course, knows all about this top secret plan thanks to Torchwood’s vast resources (ie a basement in Cardiff). Actually, he says, he met a soldier in a bar. Ianto gets all jealous (aw) until Jack adds that it was a “strictly professional” encounter. That could mean a lot of things.

In Sarah Jane’s gaff, Mr Smith says that the space station has a message from the earthbound ships for the human race, and Sarah Jane asks that he put it through. And of course it’s “EX-TERMIN-ATE! EX-TERMIN-ATE!” If I hadn’t known the Daleks were returning in this episode, that would have been an awesome moment. Sarah Jane looks absolutely and utterly horrified, as she recognises the Dalek warcry instantly. And unlike us viewers, it’s a long time since she heard it. She starts to cry as she takes Luke in her arms. Elizabeth Sladen is great in this scene.

In New York, Martha can’t believe what she’s hearing. Back at Torchwood, Jack bad-acts horror. “Nooo!” he cries. Gwen asks what the message means and who these invaders are. Jack wraps one arm around her and one around Ianto and kisses them both on the head. Aww. “There’s nothing I can do. I’m sorry, but we’re dead.” he says. Well, they are, but you’re not, Mr Immortal. How quickly he forgets.

Rose hears the warcry in the shop and looks like she’s going to start crying. But she pulls herself together and heads off down the street as the Dalek warship appears in the sky above her, firing at random and smashing stuff up. Up on the ship, the Daleks are planning a “human harvest.” Yikes.

In UNIT, Martha’s commander announces that it’s an Ultimate Code Red (as opposed to a common or garden code red) and that they are at war. Back at Dalek Command, the Daleks prepare for their “ultimate destiny.” “Now the Daleks are the masters of earth!” cries their own commander. A huge hall of floating Daleks join in this chant.

The Tardis is arriving at the Shadow Proclamation, which is apparently “outer space police” and is situated on a sort of floaty ivory tiered city. The Tardis arrives and the Doctor is greeted by a Judoon. A preposterous conversation in Judoon-speak ensues, for apparently no other reason than the chance to see David Tennant shout things like “mo ho!” with a straight face. Our heroes are taken to the SP leader, a pale woman with reddish eyes and white hair. She announces that the Doctor “can’t possibly exist” but seems to accept that he does fairly quickly and tells him that earth isn’t the only vanished planet. The Doctor discovers all the other planets that have disappeared, including several that last featured in Old Skool Who many years ago, and they all appear in a sort of hologram. Go continuity! I love that the new version is obviously made by fans. Donna asks about Pyrovillia, home of the fire creatures from the Pompeii episode, and SP leader rudely asks, “Who is the female?” “Donna,” says Donna sassily. “I’m a human being. Not the stuff of legend, but every bit as important as Time Lords, thank you.” The Doctor looks proud of his protegeé. Aww. I really like their relationship.

The Judoon says that Pyrovillia’s disappearance happened far too long ago, but Donna remembers that the Adipose breeding planet vanished too, and the Doctor realises that the planets have all been taken out of time as well as space. The Doctor adds these extra planets to the map, and they all rearrange themselves in perfect harmony, fitting together “like parts of an engine”. But what for? He doesn’t know. He just remembers that someone tried to move the earth before, a long time ago. “But it can’t be…” Continuity again!

The Daleks are firing at governments world wide. The Valiant is down. The world is in chaos! Jack rings Martha and tells her to get out of there - military operations are being targeted. She won’t leave. Her commander, General Sanchez, says they’re activating Project Indigo, even though it’s not ready yet. Sanchez, Martha and an unnamed grunt escape down a corridor as the Daleks arrive at UNIT HQ and start killing everyone, as is their wont. Sanchez gives Martha a sort of jetpack thing and tells her to put it on. Jack, who for some reason is still on the phone, tells her Project Indigo isn’t safe and she shouldn’t use it. His acting is as you’d expect. Sanchez tells Martha she takes her orders from UNIT, not Torchwood, and that she is the only hope of finding the Doctor - if she can’t, she’s authorised to take something called the Osterhagen Key. He gives her what looks like a minidisc, and when she says she can’t take it, Sanchez says, “You know what to do - for the sake of the human race!” They salute each other and Sanchez goes off to bravely try and fight the Daleks with a small pistol. Jack bad-acts again and tells Martha not to use Indigo, but she pulls a cord on the harness thing - and disappears. “Don’t!” bellows Jack, and kicks a chair. He tells a scared Ianto and Gwen that Project Indigo is an experimental teleportation device salvaged from the Sontarans - but the coordinates aren’t fixed. Martha’s been shattered into atoms!

Dalek HQ. A creepy voice asks the Supreme Dalek if there is news “of him.” There is not: “We are beyond the reach of the time lord.” The creepy voiced one is in the shadows. The bottom of its form is a Dalek case, but it’s operating controls with an armoured claw. He tells the Supreme Dalek that if he had not created him without human emotions, he might mistake his tone for pride. And with that we know who the creepy one is - it’s Davros, creator of the Daleks. He’s back! He says that Dalek Caan is “uneasy.” The Supreme Dalek doesn’t care. “The abomination is insane!” he says. He’s kind of hilarious. Davros says that Dalek Caan speaks the truth. Dalek Caan was last seen escaping from 1930s Manhattan in the last series, and now he’s sitting on a throne thing looking all mutant and googly. He also has a ridiculous squeaky mad voice. He babbles something about “the three-fold man…the Doctor is coming.” Intriguing. Although, as my husband pointed out, he sounds (and kind of looks) “like something out of the Mighty Boosh.” This is true. It’s quite hard not to laugh at everything he says once you imagine it taking place in the world of the Boosh.

Back at the Shadow Proclamation, a dejected Donna is sitting on the stairs. There’s a thumping bass sound, kind of like the sound of drums, kind of like a heart beat…or could it be two heart beats? Another red-eyed lady comes up to her and tells her there was something on her back. What a useful observation, mysterious red-eyed sage! She tells Donna that she (Donna, not the creepy lady) is “something new” and says she’s sorry for Donna’s “loss that is to come” and shuffles off. This is why enigmatic people are really annoying.

The Doctor asks Donna if she can think of any signs that might have indicated that something weird was happening on earth, that this move was being planned. Every viewer shouts, “The bees! The bees disappearing!” long before Donna does. The Doctor initially scoffs, but then realises that the bees, many of which are actually aliens, were heading home before disaster struck, rather like animals supposedly being able to foretell earthquakes and storms and stuff. Somehow, using the location of the bees’ home planet and the signals they exuded, the Doctor can find earth. I’m not exactly sure how, but let’s go with it. Scary SP lady tells the Doctor he must stay with them and head the forces of goodness or whatever into war, but the Doctor is a lover not a fighter, and he and Donna leap into the Tardis and head off, practically giggling. The SP lady is really angry.

Sylvia and Wilf are out on a residential street. Wilf is armed with a paint gun, with which he says he can blind the one-eyed foes. Sylvia desperately tells him to come home, because “they” are leaving their street alone for the moment. Wilf refuses. They watch the Daleks round up local residents “for testing.” Oh dear. One man defies the invaders and urges his wife and kids into their house - which the Daleks promptly blow up. Jaysus, that’s a bit hardcore for a pre-watershed show. Sylvia and Wilf run away - and almost immediately meet a Dalek. Wilf fires with his paint gun and hits the Dalek right in the, um, eye - but the paint immediately melts off. “My vision is not impaired!” declares the Dalek, just before his head is blown off. Yes, who should be standing behind him but Rose, vast gun in hand. It’s a great shot, but that’s another few bucks you owe Whedon, Davies. Wilf looks at Rose’s weapon. “Want to swap?” he says. Hee. They all head back to the Nobles’ mysteriously untouched by Daleks’ house, where Wilf tells Rose about Donna’s travels with the Doctor and Sylvia refuses to believe any of it. “Open your eyes!” says Wilf. Rose is desolate - the Nobles were her last hope. If they can’t find Donna, she can’t find the Doctor. “Where is he?” she mutters in frustration.

He’s on the Tardis, of course, but the trail has gone dead. They’re at the Medusa Cascade, as mentioned throughout the series, and it’s very pretty. The Doctor was last there as a kid, “when he was 90.” It’s rift in time and space, and it’s, as the Doctor says “the end of the line”. Donna asks him what to do but he just leans against a wall looking despairing. “Don’t do this to me. You never give up!” Donna begs, in tears. But to no avail.

Back in Torchwood, the gang look equally miserable as they listen to the news that earth has surrendered to the Daleks, who are making announcements of their own. “The Daleks reign supreme. Humans will report for testing.” In the Noble/Mott household, however, another message is coming through on the computer screen. “Can anyone hear me? The subwave network is open,” says a familiar female voice. “I know that voice…” says Rose. Sarah Jane’s getting the message, too, but she thinks it’s just “some poor soul calling for help. There’s nothing we can do.” But Mr Smith is processing it, and they’re getting it in Torchwood too. Jack dismisses it until the woman says “Captain Jack Harkness, shame on you. Now stand to attention!” Jack does. “Who is that?” he asks, as the fuzzy figure on the screen becomes clear and holds up a passport. Hurrah! It’s “Harriet Jones, former Prime Minister.” I wish Penelope Wilton’s name hadn’t been in the credits, because if I hadn’t known she was in this episode, this would have been particularly cool. “I know who you are,” smiles Jack. Back at the Nobles’, Rose cries “Harriet, it’s me!” but the computer doesn’t have a webcam or microphone so Harriet can’t see or hear her. Harriet calls Sarah Jane and links everyone together onscreen. She, Jack and SJ all appear but the fourth quarter of everyone’s screen is still fuzzy because someone is having trouble getting through. We, like Rose herself, assume it’s Rose but - hurrah! - it’s Martha, still alive. Somehow the Indigo thing brought her to her family home, where she had a moving reunion with her terrified mother. “Who’s she?” says Rose crossly. Hee.

Apparently Martha’s laptop then just turned itself on. “That was me,” says Harriet proudly, introducing herself yet again. Martha knows who she is. “I thought it was about time we all met,” Harriet continues. She introduces SJ and Captain Jack - Jack has been following SJ’s work, but she’s been keeping away from Torchwood - “too many guns,” she says, gesturing at Luke. “Well, might I say, looking good, ma’am,” flirts Jack. John Barrowman is so much better at this sort of thing than the angsty stuff. SJ is flattered. “Not now, Captain,” says a weary Harriet. She introduces Martha, “former companion to the Doctor” (”Oi, so was I!” says a disgruntled Rose, still unheard by all) and says that subwave network is a sentient creation that searches out everyone who can help contact the Doctor (which is why Rose is connected to it without anyone knowing about it). It’s undetectable by the Daleks and was developed by Harriet herself. Martha shows the Osterhagen Key, but Harriet tells her never to use it and orders everyone to forget about it. Instead, they must combine forces: “the Doctor’s secret army.” They must use all their powers, including Mr Smith and the rift in Cardiff, to send a message to the Doctor. Luke says that all the phones on earth will call the Doctor. “Who’s the kid?” says Jack the cradle-robber. “That’s my son!” says an indignant SJ. Heh. Ianto comes forward and introduces himself before pointing out that if they start transmitting, the Daleks will be able to trace the signal. Harriet knows that it will be traced back to her, but she’s ready to make that sacrifice. She rocks. I don’t blame Jack for saluting her. Everyone starts transmitting the number. Back at the Nobles, everyone furiously dials on their mobiles. Aw.

Back on the Tardis, the phone starts ringing. The Doctor starts to follow the signal with the help of his stethoscope, but the Daleks have noticed it, and are ready to attack. Davros wheels himself out of the shadows a little bit and says that he warned the SD that “the children time are moving against us.” But don’t worry, Daleks, because “everything is falling into place.” Well, that’s all right, then.

Sending the signal is making everything in Torchwood, as well as Mr Smith, kind of explode. Back at the Nobles, Rose holds up her phone. “Find me Doctor,” she whispers fiercely, and closes her eyes. “Find me.” And he has! At least, he’s locked on to the signal, as have the Daleks. They’re coming for Harriet, but she’s using the network to mask the other transmissions. As the Daleks rumble outside, she tells Jack that “I’m transferring the network to Torchwood. Tell the Doctor he chose his companions well. It’s been an honour.” The Daleks break in and she stands up to face them. “Harriet Jones, former prime minister,” she says. “Yes,” says a Dalek, “we know who you are.” Heh. “You know nothing of any human, and that will be your downfall,” says Harriet. She’s exterminated. Oh, bollocks. Jack tries to look sad but his acting isn’t up to the job. Farewell, brave Harriet. Penelope Wilton was freaking awesome throughout this episode.

Back on the Tardis, the control panel is ablaze with the effort of following the signal, but at last it’s worked - they’ve found the planets. It turns out the entire cascade were hidden in a pocket of time. How cunning. And now the subwave network has connected him to the gang. “Where the hell have you been?” bellows Jack. “Doctor, it’s the Daleks!” “Ooh, he’s a bit nice, I thought he’d be older,” says Gwen, quite understandably. Everyone talks at once and the Doctor just beams. “Aw, Sarah Jane, who’s that boy? And that must be Torchwood!” This is great. I can’t help it, I really love crossovers. Wilf and Sylvia are delighted to see Donna is safe and sound. “Oh, you’re brilliant, you clever people,” says the beaming Doctor. “Who’s that?” says Donna, leering at Jack. “Captain Jack,” says the Doctor. “And don’t. Just…don’t.” Hee! Poor Rose watches all this and feels very left out. “Doctor, it’s me. I came back.” Awww. Back on the Tardis, Donna says it’s like “an outerspace Facebook”. Heh. “Everyone except Rose,” says the Doctor sadly.

Someone new is joining the network. It’s Davros! “Your voice is different, but its arrogance is unchanged.” The Doctor thought Davros had died in the Time War, despite the Doctor’s efforts to save his life, but it turned out that Dalek Caan, when he escaped from 1930s Manhattan in the last series, somehow managed to break the “Time Lock” that seals the Time Wars (which means no one can enter this event and change history) and rescue Davros at the last minute. Alas for Dalek Caan, the experience drove him mad, hence all the Booshesque babbling (”I flew into the fire! I danced and danced!”) Anyway, Davros went off and created a brand new Dalek race - out of his own body, as he proves by opening his shirt and revealing his shredded ribs. Urrrrgh. The Doctor is grim. “After all we’ve been through, after everything we’ve lost, I have only one thing to say to you.” Pause. “Byeeee!” And with a wild grin, he heads the Tardis towards earth. Davros is unmoved, but his crazy mutant pal is all excited. “Death is coming!” burbles Caan. “Everlasting death for the most faithful companion!” Oh dear. The Daleks order a unit to exterminate Torchwood. Gwen and Ianto intercept the message, but don’t tell Jack, who’s got his cool coat on and is dashingly preparing to teleport to the Doctor. He bids his pals farewell and insists he’s coming back. They tell him not to worry about them and say goodbye without letting him know of their own impending doom. Aww, they are very brave. Jack teleports away just before the Daleks break through Torchwood’s outer limits.

SJ heads off to find the Doctor, leaving Luke in the care of Mr Smith. “I love you, remember that,” she says, and gets into her car and drives away.

Rose contacts a mysterious “control” and demands to transported to the Doctor. She tells Wilf and Sylvia where she’s doing. “Wish me luck!” she says, all excited, and they do. Rose strikes a pose and vanishes.

The Tardis has touched down on a deserted street. The Doctor and Donna emerge, and once more the Doc asks Donna what Rose said to him. Donna only says, “Why don’t you ask her yourself?” Donna is so great. She looks genuinely happy for him as he turns around and sees Rose. I know Billie’s looked a bit off since she returned but her smile when she sees the Doctor is absolutely dazzling. She just looks incredibly happy. They run towards each other for about a million years until - oh noes - a Dalek rolls around the corner and fires at the Doctor. He’s not dead but is clearly badly injured. Jack teleports in and destroys the Dalek before it can hurt anyone else while a tearful Rose takes the Doctor in her arms. “I’ve got you. I’ve missed you,” says Rose. “Look, it’s me!” Awwwww. The Doctor gasps, “Long time no see,” to which Rose replies, “Yeah, been busy, you know?” The Doctor groans in pain, and a frantic Rose whispers, “Don’t die. Oh my God, don’t die…” Sniff. Jack and Donna get both the Doctor and Rose into the Tardis.

Meanwhile, back at Torchwood, Gwen picks up a machine gun and prepares to face the impending Dalek doom. Ianto tells her that guns won’t work on a Dalek but she says “Yeah? Well, I’m going out fighting - like Owen, like Tosh. How about you?” Ianto looks all determined and says, “Yes, ma’am”. They’re so brave! Seriously, this is really sad.

Rose cradles the injured Doctor. “What do we do?” says a frantic Donna. “Step back,” says Jack. “Go on Rose, he’s dying and you know what happens next.” Holy crap! Donna doesn’t know, but Rose remembers the end of the first series, and frantically says, “No, no! I came all this way!” “It’s starting,” says the Doctor, as his hands start glowing. I was literally watching this with my mouth hanging open.

Sarah Jane drives around a corner - to be met by a group of Daleks. She stops and screams “I surrender! I’m sorry!” But “Daleks don’t accept human apologies,” and she will be exterminated. SJ raises her arms in a feeble attempt to shield herself. Oh dear. Back at Torchwood, the first Dalek has broken through, shouting “Exterminate!” Gwen and Ianto start shooting. Gwen gives a truly awesome battle cry. She’s brilliant. I’ve never liked her in Torchwood as much as I like her in this episode.

Tardis. “Here we go,” says Jack, pulling Rose away as the Doctor stumbles to his feet. Jack seems strangely jaunty. “Good luck, Doctor,” says Jack. “What the FUCK?” says Anna, unable to believe what is happening. Rose explains what happens when a Time Lord dies: “His body repairs itself - it changes. But you can’t!” she cries. “I’m sorry,” says the Doctor. “It’s too late. I’m regenerating.” And he starts shining in a fashion last seen when Derek Jacobi turned into lovely evil John Simm. And…that’s it. We don’t even get a proper trailer for next week!

So, that was bloody brilliant, wasn’t it? If we’re actually going to be introduced to Doctor Number 11 on Saturday, this is the best kept secret in TV history. Speculation on the next Doctor has been rife for at least a year, but it’s been reported that David Tennant was at least doing the next two Christmas specials (there won’t be a new series until 2010). So was that all a smokescreen? Is it really going to be wee Jimmy Nesbitt next week (please no)? But why did we see that bloody hand so prominently displayed? Is there going to be a clone Doctor? Will time be reversed to save the Torchwood Two and Sarah Jane? And did Donna really have two heartbeats? All I know is that I have a hopeful theory of my own which means I am PRAYING that Wilf will suddenly take out a pocket watch next week and we’ll discover Donna’s true secret heritage. Fingers crossed.