Pop Vultures

Project Runway, S05 E01: Let’s Start From The Beginning

It’s that time again. Welcome back to yet another season of fabulousness, bitchery, and some truly ridiculous outfits. If the first episode is anything to go by, it’s going to be a…dare I say it?…fierce fifth season. Just not necessarily in terms of the fashion produced. Full recap, complete with photographic evidence of the various atrocities, after the jump.

We begin with all the usual iconic shots of New York. It’s a good thing no other cities have tall skyscrapers or yellow taxicabs, or this might be confusing. Immediately, we meet Jerell, a freelance designer from LA. He is tall, pretty and oozes confidence. His claim to fame is designing clothes for Saudi royalty. In immediate contrast to his cool style, we meet Blayne, who is what an Oompa Loompa would look like if it was an urban poseur. He admits to a “ridiculous obsession with tanning,” which explains not only the orange skin, but why his brain seems so very fried. That, or really good drugs.

Up next is Joe from Detroit, who quickly mentions his two daughters. I think we are meant to assume that he is the token straight man. Stella is next seen walking down the street, discussing her rock star look and clientele. She views Project Runway as a chance to step outside her leather and denim bubble. Since she’s currently wearing what appear to be red and white striped leggings underneath leather lace-up granny pants, I hope that’s one really big step. The editors continue to have fun, following Stella up with Jennifer, a woman who must have stepped directly out of a Hallmark card, so sweet does she appear.

Next we meet Kelli, who says she is the bastard lovechild of Vivienne Westwood and Betsy Johnson. She is followed by Terri, who does not get any sort of introductory interview. Jerry appears next and claims to be on “the forefront of becoming a big name in the industry.” You might want to take that claim with a grain of salt.

Suede is the next to enter the Atlas apartments. Reasons I hate Suede instantly: 1) he speaks about himself in the third person; 2) he has bleached blonde hair with a blue fauxhawk; 3) his name is Suede. I’m fairly certain he’s a giant tool.

Keith enters next, and is also not given the benefit of an introductory interview. He seems low-key and doesn’t immediately punch Suede in the face, so perhaps he will prove to be one of the voices of reason. Korto is next. She has a truly excellent 70s-stye ‘fro and hopes to be the first African-American to win Project Runway. Leanne claims to be “coming way out of left field in Portland, Oregon.” Ah, yes, that terribly off-the-grid, unknown land of Oregon’s largest city. She thinks everyone will underestimate her, unlike the other designers from such design hotbeds as Little Rock and Columbus.

Emily shows up next and is very perky. Daniel gets approximately two seconds of screen time before Wesley appears. He calls his fashion “divine,” and I would mock his self-love, except he seems kind of sweet. Let’s call it self-aware self-love for the moment, okay?

Everyone heads up to the rooftop for the traditional meet and greet with Heidi and Tim. For once, Tim does not claim that they are the most talented bunch they’ve ever had, instead calling them “the most diverse.” It’s not clear what he means by that, but it’s nice to see him using a new form of hyperbole. Heidi fakes them out by pretending that they’re about to have their first challenge, but it turns out it will kick off the next day. While mingling, we also meet Emily, who I immediately love simply because she has this top in her portfolio:

WANT.

Terri is finally allowed to speak, and calls her collection Aerosmith meets Lauren Hill meets Michael Jackson. I fear any clothing that calls to mind a mixtape. She claims to work really fast. Keith says that he designs clothes for Heidi, and in interview claims to be entirely self-taught and to have a gift that everyone else had to go through school to achieve. He was just born with it. So much for my voice of reason theory. Kenley seems to be this season’s brunette version of Kit Pistol, but it may just be her vintage-based style that makes me think that. Daniel takes inspiration from nature to make sexy showstoppers. His words.

Now that everyone has been allowed to introduce themselves, it’s time for the first challenge. Tim wakes everyone up, and I’m distracted by the vast amount of IKEA furniture in the apartment. Seriously, I have that same nightstand model and same duvet cover, though mine is red and covered in far more cat hair. It’s good to know that the Atlas Apartments aren’t too good for practical and affordable Swedish furniture.

Off the designers go on their first field trip, and they end up at the same Gristides supermarket that was used in the very first episode. To assist them, Tim brings out a special guest:

Yes, it’s Austin Scarlett, who won that challenge the first time around with his corn husk dress. If someone could explain to me how someone too young for plastic surgery has always managed to look so very plastic, I would really appreciate it.

For this challenge, they get $75, 30 minutes to shop and till midnight to complete the outfit. In the store, we get our first sense of who are the creative risk-takers, as Terri goes for mop heads, Daniel for plastic cups and Korto for kale. Jerry, on the other hand, gets a shower curtain, Stella gets trash bags and Terri, Jerell, Emily, Leanne, Suede, Keith, Wesley all get picnic tablecloths. There’s gonna be a whole lot of yellow or checked dresses going down that runway.

Time to work. Everyone lays out their goods, and Suede is “totally nervous, to get all these grocery store items on this garment. Wackadoodle!” Hee! Okay, I can’t fully hate someone who says wackadoodle. I may have to reevaluate my stance, so long as he can refrain from using the royal “we.”

Kelli immediately shows promise by bleaching and dying vacuum bags, which creates an interesting, marbled effect. She calls it “pretty ugly.” Or maybe that’s “pretty/ugly.” I’m going with the latter.

Daniel is making a sweetheart cocktail dress out of ironed blue plastic cups. Creative, if not especially environmentally sound. Blayne is making…something. Really, that’s about as detailed as I can get. He has the habit of calling everything he’s doing “girlicious”: his garment, his dress form, possibly even himself. He may just be insane.

Jerry mocks those putting “crap on top of crap,” saying that he’d throw away the paper, produce and candy. I get the feeling that Jerry has rather missed the spirit of this challenge. Stella unrolls her garbage sacks to discover that they are flimsy and practically see-through, rather than patent leather-esque, as she’d hoped. Apparently, Stella hasn’t taken the trash out in years, because I don’t remember the last time I didn’t live in fear of a trash bag bursting en route to the dumpster. She quite seriously complains that, “My fabric is trash,” and “The entire idea might turn out garbage.” Either she is the most straight-faced punster the show has ever seen or the woman has absolutely no sense of irony. I’m not sure which would be more amusing.

For Tim’s first walkthrough, the only thing he can say to Blayne’s garment is, “I’m not bored.” He’s impressed by the cup dress and Kelli’s marbled fabric and worried by the vast number of tablecloths. In fact, he loudly tells the designers that they are all “slackers” for choosing the most obvious material. Down, Tim! I don’t even recognize you when you’re annoyed. The rest of the day features the designers looking for ways to hide their tablecloths, up to and including covering them in candy and marshmallows. Horrible dress, but it might be perfect for a diabetic who needs ready access to sugar sources.

Runway day. During the usual bout of model mayhem, the highlight is Kenley’s comment about Jerry’s dress: “That’s so American Psycho.” I could not have said it better.

Blayne manages to find at least three new uses for “girlicious.” Finally, Tim summons them to the runway. The usual suspects are present – Heidi, Nina Garcia and Michael Kors – along with guest judge Austin Scarlett. It is worth noting that Michael looks especially orange this season.

Do you think Blayne is his illegitimate son? Is that how he managed to get on the show?

Up first is Emily, whose outfit only confuses me. It’s a plain shift dress with a gigantic supermarket-couture collar. It’s simultaneously odd and forgettable.

Jerell shows us what would have happened if Carmen Miranda had been forced to design outfits out of plastic armchairs. The construction on the top looks strong, but I’m too busy wondering if he had to scalp a muppet to make that sleeve.

A rather atrocious dress, but extremely practical. Not only does it provide a much needed sugar boost to those suffering from hypoglycemia, but the stuck-on coffee filters could double as emergency tissues or toilet paper. Perhaps I did underestimate Leanne’s ingenuity, after all.

Korto did use the dreaded tablecloth, but it looks chic and the kale/tomato/pepper garland shows originality. Not the sort of originality I’d ever want to wear – only Doctor Who could ever pull off the vegetable corsage, and even he struggled with it – but I respect that she tried something different.

Jennifer’s paper towel dress is exactly what it looks like: a cute strapless dress and tiered skirt, if you like that sort of thing and never tire of 80s fashion. The lipstick kisses only make this seem more like it should be featured in an early episode of Saved By the Bell.

Daniel pretty much rocked the plastic cup dress, even if the bodice didn’t come close to fitting and seemed to sway freely around the boobs. Still, I imagine that close-fitting plastic would chafe a bit, so perhaps that’s for the best. The blue and white bangles do make me fear that the 80s revival could be a season-long theme.

Terri also impressed me this round, although she also used the dreaded tablecloth for the skirt. Still, she managed to find time to crochet the mop heads for the top, producing something that is both unexpected and very practical for those with a tendency to spill their drinks. I totally need one of those.

It’s a sheath dress made of tablecloth, and Suede tried to disguise the tablecloth with blue doggie waste bags (it actually says “doggie” in the captions; I’m not just being cute). I can’t say he was altogether successful, but the dress at least fits well and seems well constructed. It’s not inspiring, but neither is it offensive.

Stella’s garbage bag dress looks like a garbage bag dress. I actually think I could have done better than this in the time allotted, and I struggle to sew on a button. I like the hint of her aesthetic that we see in the design, but on the whole it’s a big loser. One might even say it was trash. Not me, of course. That would be too easy.

I like the creativity in Joe’s design, using oven mitts and tomato can labels to create something that’s actually rather fun. The design itself is predictable, but it is youthful and cute and I can easily see someone wearing it.

Well, it’s colorful, that’s for sure. Although I’m mostly underwhelmed, I like the way Kenley played with the color and stripes on the skirt, and at least the bodice doesn’t leave her breasts to sway freely in the breeze, as so many PR outfits do.

Oy. Just…oy.

You know, if you like yellow cocktail minidresses, Wesley’s is actually decent. I can absolutely see this being worn at some sort of Miami club. Just not anywhere else. For instance, I doubt I’ll be seeing this little number anytime soon in Glasgow.

I already used my oy for the week on Jerry’s, didn’t I? I actually have to talk about this one? Okay, here goes. It’s a leotard with a built-in adult diaper and a blouson mesh top. And he wrote “girlicious” on the model’s thigh. I’m sorry, I can’t help it: oy.

Thank you, Kelli, for cleansing my palate. I love this skirt. Love it. I love that she made the fabric herself, and used it in a fun way. The bodice…meh, but I’m not a big fan of anything that seems to separate the boobs into distinct orbs. Still, the construction throughout is exceptional, down to the hook and eye closures in the back.

Keith made a cute dress out of a tablecloth. Now, where have I seen this before?

After the judges score, Daniel, Jerry, Korto Stella, Kelli and Blayne are left on the runway. They (correctly) love Daniel’s and Kelli’s, and are able to overlook Korto’s tablecloth in appreciation of her use of kale. That’s not a sentence one often writes, is it? Michael thinks Jerry’s outfit evokes a “bridal nurse,” and Stella’s leaves them decidedly unimpressed. The judges agree with Tim that Blayne’s outfit is not boring, but they also really, really don’t like it. In the end, Kelli is, deservedly, the winner. Daniel and Korto are in. Blayne is in, to torture us another week. Although this would be an excellent time for a double elimination, Stella manages to squeak by, which means Jerry is out and gets the first kiss-auf of the season. In his exit interview, he assures us that he makes beautiful clothes. I can only assume they aren’t all part of the “axe murderer” collection.

And that’s it for the first episode. Right now, I’m not certain if I’ll be recapping the entire season. It does take a fair bit of time, and I’m not even sure how many of PV’s readers are still watching the show (I suspect a fair number gave up after Jeffrey’s win). Whether I keep going or not is up to you lot. If you are watching and would like the recaps to continue, let me know in comments. And while this sounds like a thinly veiled request for praise and demands to continue writing – and it kind of is, I suppose – I also want to make sure that people are actually reading. It’s an ego thing, sure, but also a time management thing.

So, did you watch the first episode? What did you think?