Pop Vultures

Project Runway, S05 E04: Rings of Glory

Last week on Project Runway: the designers were pretty much given free rein with a photo inspiration-based challenge, and Emily felt free to create a really ugly dress. Kenley won, allowing her latent smugness to rise to the surface. This week: hey, did you know the Olympics are coming?

Which designer will kick off the show this time with a sad eulogy for the departed contestant? It looks like Korto’s turn. Seriously, I need a name for this interview segment, because it’s in every damn episode. And, yes, Korto is sad Emily is gone and happy she is still there. One day, I just want to hear them say, “Ha! See you, sucker! I’ll make sure to wave at you as I walk down the runway at Bryant Park.” You know that’s what they’re thinking.

Model swap. Nothing happens, except Heidi wears this:

Why, yes, those do appear to be rubber leggings beneath a sheer ruffled top and black bra. And yet, somehow, she is working it. I have absolutely no idea how. She may not be a mortal woman.

It’s a field trip challenge, so they all pile into a van with Tim. There is a lengthy interview with Kelli about how she was nervous passing a hospital because she really didn’t want to make nurses’ uniforms, a segment that is so completely out of context of the rest of the episode that I can only assume the producers want to make sure we still remember who Kelli is.

In the van, there is discussion of Blayne’s tanorexia. Apparently, the weird little Oompa Loompa likes to go tanning every other day, and Tim is shocked at the time expenditure. I’m shocked that no one is mentioning that he’s going to turn into a shrivelled bit of wrinkled leather by the time he’s 25 and have full body skin cancer by 30, but perhaps they just don’t care enough about Blayne’s health to mention it. It’s not like he should stick around long enough to breed, anyway.

They end up at The Armory Track and Field Center, where they meet this week’s special guest judge:

Did you hear the Olympics are on this week? Well, the summer ones are, which explains why a speed skater is now standing before them. Everyone else was busy. Tim and gold medallist Apolo Ohno explain this week’s challenge: they are to design a woman’s outfit for the opening ceremonies of the Olympic games. Daniel claims to have never once seen the opening ceremonies. Now, I’m not much one for questioning people’s patriotism, but can you actually be American if you’ve never watched the first night of the games? I’m beginning to suspect Canadian sympathies in Daniel.

The designers get to spend 30 minutes in The Armory’s museum, looking at previous outfits and sketching. This is where so, so many of them go wrong, as they decide to be inspired by the period fashion of the 20s and 30s rather than the sportiness of all the clothes. Except for Stella, of course, who is inspired by a picture of a woman in what appears to be a fur sports bra.

In Mood, Korto grabs a range of fabric, including a bit of leather, about which she has strong feelings. “They lookin’ at me like, ‘You’re gonna get kicked off for that leather,’ but you know what? Don’t worry about me. Worry about that plaid you’re picking up, okay?” Immediate cut to Kenley picking up a plaid that would make a truly excellent picnic table. Keith may or may not try to steal fabric from Terri. The entire drama takes about two seconds. There’s a whole lot of pointless nonsense in this episode, I’ve got to say.

Sew time. Joe is planning a skort, which is one of the great fashion atrocities of our time but a really fun word to say, so I’m torn. Daniel is creating some sort of evening/cocktail outfit, about which I’m not torn at all. Daniel, it’s the freaking Olympics. You don’t get to make a dress. Stretch yourself! Until Daniel can prove himself to be more than one-note, he’s off my good list.

Blayne is still talking about how much he needs to go tanning.

People want to know why Stella is doing her garment in all black. I would wager it’s because she’s Stella, but she has a different point of view. “There’s a lot of bikers in this country that watch the Oympics.” Everyone laughs, including, to her credit, Stella.

Kenley has an annoying laugh, which despite not being mentioned in the previous three episodes, has pissed off everyone enough that there’s a lengthy montage of her cackles interspersed with Korto and Jerell mocking her. I’m beginning to think that Korto really doesn’t like Kenley.

Sudden cut to Korto’s immigration story, where she talks about emigrating with her family from Liberia after the civil war. It’s a harsh story, to be sure. Alas, it looks like we won’t see Korto in the final three, since they always save the “survived hardship in the name of fashion” personal stories for the very end.

During Tim’s walkthrough, he thinks Blayne’s outfit might look a little Sgt Pepper. Blayne neither knows what that means nor cares one bit about his repulsive level of ignorance. Seriously, I am so ready to get to the midway point in this season, when at least half these twits have been sent home to lick their fame whore wounds. Ahem. Sometimes, the bitterness just comes out of nowhere.

Jerell shows Tim his pin-striped pencil skirt, and Tim is worried that the horizontal stripes might not be flattering to the well-muscled athletes. Tim, you know I love you, but have we seriously gotten to the point where we worry that a FREAKING OLYMPIAN might look fat?

After Tim leaves, Kenley tells Daniel that his dress does not need the bolero – despite the fact that Tim seemed to like it. Daniel chooses to listen to Kenley over Tim. Daniel is an idiot.

You know who else might be an idiot? Joe. He is very upset that Daniel rethreaded his machine with red when he went to a lot of trouble to thread it with white. Daniel did not realize it was Joe’s machine, as they don’t have names on it and he didn’t see Joe working on it. Suede’s assessment of the situation? “People are crabby, people are fighting over machines. I mean, it’s total whackadoodle.” Hee. He then asks if the drama is over, and says he’s glad he missed it. This will be important in about five seconds, when Joe says, “There’s too much drama cause there’s too many queens around.” Yes, the apparent token straight man did just say that. Now, there have been plenty of times on this show over the years when people acted like drama queens, but this was not one of those moments. In fact, Suede just pointed out that he was happy to miss all the drama. This was simply two people having a disagreement, and there was absolutely no need to bring anyone’s sexuality into it. Joe is being an asshole.

And, on that note, the day ends. As the men file out the next morning, the camera lingers on Blayne’s blatant attempts to coin a catchphrase. He is determined that one of these will stick. With that in mind, I must ask that no one, anywhere, ever uses any of these words in any combination again.

It’s the usual model mayhem of runway day, with the usual designers making catty comments about other’s work. Blayne critiques Jerell’s as being too Titanic. While there are some serious problems with Jerell’s outfit, I must point out that a) Blayne has not earned the right to criticize and b) he knows Titanic, but doesn’t know Sgt Pepper. That is all.

Korto’s take on the whole thing? “The entire room was from the 20s all the way up to like the 70s. The past is in the past, and I’d just rather stay in the future. I live in ‘08. It’s ‘08.” I’m starting to love Korto.

Runway time!

Of course, having made that big statement, it’s too bad that Korto’s outfit first makes me thing of 70s fashion. In a good way, though! I like the white, and do agree with her that the white outfits tend to pop more at the ceremony. Still, the flared legs and shoulder stripes…. Maybe Korto was still in Liberia in the 70s, but I was a kid in San Jose and I remember both those things. Not that I’m scarred by it, or anything. Still, it’s mixed with enough modern touches to feel new.

I’m definitely starting to get a strong sense of Suede’s design aesthetic, which is usually a good thing. I like the basic idea of this. Okay, I like the skirt. As sportswear or an outfit for the ceremonies? Not so much. Unless, of course, they plan on doing some square dancing during the torch lighting.

Kelli actually gets to speak for the second time this episode when she says that she loves her outfit, “even if it’s not 100% relevant to the Olympics.” And here we have too many designers’ approach to this challenge: use red, white and blue colors, then do whatever the hell you want! I’m not convinced. I guess it’s cute, if you don’t mind gigantic bows (which I do) or a country girl look, but it ain’t sportswear. Again.

Joe at least made sportswear. To be fair, I think he actually came pretty damn close to the brief. The USA lettering is exactly the sort of thing we’re likely to see in the actual uniforms, and the piece as a whole is smart and sleek. The skirt part of the skort is longer than the short part (try to say that three times fast), which makes no sense, and I’m glad. He shouldn’t win on an episode where he has revealed his inner ass.

Leanne continues to edit! If she can keep up at this rate, she might actually be one of those rare designers that improves over the course of the show. She’s young enough to still be learning her craft. This is simple and cute, and though the shorts are more in the dreaded formal shorts vein than sporty, as least she made the effort to match the brief and used all three colors.

Unlike Daniel, who made just about every wrong decision with this outfit. First of all, there ain’t no white anywhere on this outfit. Now, I’m not usually strict about such things, but it’s the bloody Olympics. Put the flag colors on there. Also, it’s the bloody Olympics. Why is she wearing a cocktail dress? We may get to drink while watching the show, but the athletes shouldn’t look like they’re on their way to a martini. It’s just wrong.

Jerell has an awful lot going on. I find myself torn between “there are some cute ideas here, somewhere, buried deep below his complete disregard for the brief” and “wow, Jerell does have taste level issues, doesn’t he?” It’s just wrong for the challenge, and the hat is taking the piss. Plus, cap sleeves for swimmers and a pencil skirt for sprinters? Okay, I see Tim’s point, now.

I don’t have anything new to say about Stella. She continues to make variations on the same outfit, and the only reason she keeps sliding through is that someone is consistently more terrible than she is.

They can send Keith home before Stella, though, because at least Stella amuses me. The fact that Keith can seriously send a bubble skirt, high-collared sleeveless vest and oversized scarf down the runway and be proud of it is not funny in the least. I know I’m one of three people that didn’t hate his outfit last week, but he still hasn’t managed to impress me once. He needs to go.

Terri actually stuck to the brief! No, look, she did! It’s sporty and fashionable. It evokes previous Olympic outfits with the blazer and yet doesn’t feel retro. Also, I like that it’s not ridiculously girly and over the top. These women will be walking side by side with the male athletes, and they should match each other. Plus, how the hell did she make pants, a blazer, a top and a scarf in less than a day and a half? Woman wasn’t kidding in the first episode when she said she was fast.

Unlike Daniel, Jennifer at least managed to use all the colors of the flag – if she was creating an outfit for Bosnia-Herzegonina. There is nothing good about this in terms of the brief. It doesn’t evoke the US, or Olympics, or any sport at all except, perhaps, competitive shopping. The most frustrating thing is that Jennifer clearly can design, and this is a far better outfit than several others, but her refusal to work to the brief means this is easily the worst garment for this particular challenge. Daniel better send Jennifer flowers for this one.

Like Suede, I’m getting a sense of Blayne’s design sensibility, but here it’s not a good thing. Sure, they’re supposed to have a point of view, but it helps if that point of view doesn’t suck. Basically, it’s another asymmetric garment with lines of color. On the plus side, the top has fit problems, and if everyone else would just stop screwing up, he can finally land back in the bottom two and Nina can call him on it.

Kenley’s is cute, even with the tablecloth for a skirt. Or maybe all the previous atrocities have skewed my perception enough that even the tablecloth now looks cute. Still, it’s not sportswear, and it doesn’t have any red,so I can’t say it comes close to the brief. At least it doesn’t make me want to break into silent sobs of despair, and at this point that’s all I ask.

There are absolutely no surprises with the judges tonight. Joe, Terri and Korto are in the top, while Jennifer, Daniel and Jerell are in the bottom. Nina says that Jennifer’s looks silly and Michael thinks Daniel’s model is from the Republic of Cocktail-land. Oh, Michael. I have dual citizenship for the US and Cocktail-land, and I’d still never wear that dress.

After the judge’s chat, Joe is in. He looks rather pissed off by this. He clearly thought he was going to win. Instead, Korto gets this one. So far this season, the women are rocking the immunity, aren’t they? Terri is in. Jerell is in. Heidi lectures the final two, and once again I find that I really don’t care who leaves, since they both sucked. This much apathy so early in the season can’t be a good sign.

Since they can’t both go, Jennifer is out, getting the fourth kiss-auf of this season. In her exit interview she, of course, wishes she could stay longer in order to continue to bring her surrealism to the show. Considering that she has produced nothing but dresses you could find in your local Macy’s, I don’t think that word means what she thinks it means.

Next week: the designers get to design for Brooke Shields. Yeah, I wasn’t expecting that either.