Pop Vultures

With the new reality show Snog, Marry, Avoid, the BBC is doing its very best to destroy its image as a purveyor of tasteful programming. This is a dreadful TV show. Of course it is. Look at the premise – young women who wear too much makeup are wheeled in-front of a computerised voice called POD (Personal Overhaul Device) which calls them names, tells them they look like drag queens, and shows them clips of ‘men on the street’ saying they look awful. These hapless young women are then forced to remove their make-up, stuck into some less-revealing clothing, and declared ‘natural beauties’. Conveniently, ‘men on the street’ are then suddenly interested in snogging them. The end.

And yet, like all the best dreadful TV, Snog, Marry, Avoid is utterly compelling. I had to keep pausing the show (thank goodness for DVR) to keep track of all the gems these women spouted about their looks – ‘I would rather give up my home than my fake tan’, and ‘It’s not just hair – it’s got a meaning’ being my favourite quotes from the episode I saw.

In my opinion, the women looked better after POD’s treatment. Gemma (who prefers, for reasons best known to herself, to be called Levi) went from a ratty-haired Jodie Kidd wannabee to a classy brunette. And Tamsin (Princess Tamsin, sorry) went from an outfit that consisted entirely of a tutu and a piece of masking tape over her boob to a much more elegant and sophisticated wrap-dress. But it irked me that these transformations were achieved because a silly fake computer forced them into it. Let them wear what they want, POD, you patronising piece of circuitry!

Of course, I should not forget to point out the questionable wisdom of parading these poor women before random men so that judgement could be passed on them. What about the men, after all? Are they so perfect? I thought POD was going to redeem herself (for, of course, POD is voiced by a female – the harshest critics of women are always other women, after all) by singling out the improbably-named Eshan for her special treatment.

Eshan, a young goth man with a crown of hair spikes and eye makeup that made him look like he was weeping pure mascara, seemed like a prime candidate for POD’s scathing and enforced ‘make-under’. But no! POD just praised his unique style and sent him on his way, without even giving any ‘women on the street’ the opportunity to weigh in. I call foul!

Don’t watch Snog, Marry, Avoid. It’s awful telly, and you’ll hate yourself for it. I do.

But, if you simply can’t resist, it is up on the iplayer, and it’s shown regularly on BBC3.