Pop Vultures

Project Runway, S05 E05: Welcome to the Jungle

Last week, Korto celebrated the Olympics by stealing a win out from under Terri’s nose, and Jennifer went home, where hopefully there are lots of dictionaries and she can learn what surrealism actually means. This week: the designers get to create an outfit for Brooke Shields to wear on that show I never watch. Plus, they work in pairs, which is always an excellent opportunity to reveal personality defects.

We kick things off with Korto interviewing that she feels good for having immunity. I am shocked, but only because she is not sad that Jennifer is gone. In fact, no one mentions Jennifer’s name once this episode. She’s totally going to be the one sitting in back at the reunion, smiling and nodding quietly, isn’t she?

Keith and Daniel are working out, which seems off somehow. I thought they were supposed to eat, breathe and sleep fashion on this show. When did they find time for chest presses? Daniel, of course, is vowing that he won’t be in the bottom two again. Let’s see how that works out for him. (Was it really only two weeks ago that I thought Daniel was a strong candidate? Either he’s free-falling fast or I’m very fickle.)

Model swap. Nothing happens, again. Where is the drama, people?

Heidi tells them that, for this challenge, they will be designing for a high-powered and glamorous woman. Blayne immediately hopes that it’s not Hillary Clinton, because he’d never win with a neon pantsuit. And this is exactly why Blayne needs to leave. First, he thinks that Hillary Clinton would appear on this show. Second, even in a bizarro land where Clinton would be on PR, he would need to actually consider his client and, perhaps, not attempt to dress the most powerful woman in American politics in neon. Just, you know, a thought.

In the workroom, Tim brings in their client:

The designers are all thrilled to have a celebrity in their midst, of course, particularly Suede, who happily misquotes Brooke’s famous Calvin Klein ad. I can’t help it. I really do like Suede, despite that whole talking about himself in the third person thing.

They need to design an outfit that goes from day into night for her character on Lipstick Jungle. She roughly describes her as someone from a bohemian background who is a very successful businesswoman and is married to a musician. Blayne thinks he’ll do well because he knows a lot of musician’s wives. The Blayne logic is extra special this episode, isn’t it? They’ll have 30 minutes to sketch, then everyone will pitch their idea to Brooke. She’ll pick the top 6, who will then partner up with the rejects. I think this is an excellent idea, as it means I only have to recap half the normal number of outfits.

The pitches all seem to go fairly well, and Brooke comes across as ridiculously nice and enthusiastic about their ideas, and is quite helpful and specific when speaking of how she’d like their designs executed. I am quite pleased to see that Suede can use “I” when the situation calls for it, too.

Before announcing her picks, Brooke informs the group that the winner’s outfit will be featured on an episode of the show. That’s one way to sweeten the pot. Her first choice is Keith, then Korto, and Jerell. Kelli is next, with a warning to tone down the leopard print in her sketch to make the whole “jungle” thing a bit less literal. Terri also makes the cut, as does Blayne, though she admits to being scared about that final choice. She chose him because she wanted to see something different, and I have to respect her choice to take a risk. She does not know Blayne as we know Blayne. Lucky her.

Next, they get to pick partners. It works out to Keith/Kenley, Blayne/Leanne, Terri/Suede, Korto/Joe, Kelli/Daniel and Jerell/Stella

After a trip to Mood, it’s sew time. Kenley is immediately bitching about Keith’s design because it’s not her taste. Well, yes, Kenley, but it’s not your design, so shut up. There’s some sort of argument between Suede and Terri in which Suede appears to calmly and rationally explain his concerns and Terri basically tells him to shut up and deal with it, and calls him a baby. For a moment, I really don’t like Terri.

Blayne is explaining his design to Leanne, who informs him that she thinks there’s too much going on. She really did get the editing bug, didn’t she? Blayne randomly interviews something about his crazy family, and he’s completely orange in the interview, so it clearly happened early in the season and was just edited in now. The poor editors obviously didn’t know they’d need an orange-ometer in order to seamlessly edit the episodes together.

The models come in for a fitting, and Daniel’s skirt fits so poorly that it appears to have been sewn by a kindergartener. Kelli insists he redo it.

Terri continues to complain about Suede’s shirt to all who will listen and, despite explaining that it’s “jacked up” and a mess, does not actually tell him how to fix it.

During Tim’s walkthough, he wants to know how Blayne’s Bermuda shorts work for evening. Blayne looks confused by the question. He loves Jerell’s, and Jerell climbs higher up my good list when he says, “You know Stella’s fantastic with leath-ah.” When he hits Kelli’s, he admits to being dubious. Ah, yes, Tim: the king of the understatement.

I’d call that a hot mess.

Terri is about ready to launch into her complaints about the shirt to Tim when he calls the neckline “gorgeous.” Suddenly, she is interviewing that she and Suede hustled and made a beautiful shirt. When she hated it, it was all Suede; now that it has Tim’s stamp of approval, she’s using “we.” Really not liking Terri this episode.

Tim is also concerned about the proportions of Korto’s jacket. Joe agrees, despite the fact that, on two separate pre-Tim occasions, he told Korto he loved it. Korto calls him on this, reminding him that she has immunity and if they make a disaster, he’s going home, so he should speak up. Korto gets to remain on the good list this week.

Runway day. Everyone works madly. While Daniel frantically tries to finish his second skirt, Kenley – his supposed best friend on the show – interviews that while Daniel is always talking about his high-end taste, she hasn’t really seen it yet. Ouch.

Everyone seems very confident with their design except Joe and Korto. A lot of the designers are very wrong.

Show time!

Korto’s outfit looks a bit like all the rest of Korto’s outfits. I like her, and she makes wearable clothes, but they never excite me. Plus, it’s orange. I fear orange clothes. The dress underneath, made by Joe, has some serious fit issues. Joe, I’m pretty sure, is one of those designers who’s not bringing anything new to the show.

Is there a way to make colored fabric and leopard print in combination look sophisticated? Especially when the teal is placed on the bodice in such a way as to evoke the sale rack at Frederick’s of Hollywood? Without the teal, this would have been a moderately cheesy dress with a nice silhouette. With the teal, it makes eyes bleed. It’s really the bodice that lets this whole outfit down — with the jacket  on, it’s almost cute (except for the whole teal/leopard thing, cause…ugh).

I’ve worried about Jerell in the past, but considering that I’m starting to hate half these contestants, I’m officially getting on the Jerell train this week. It helps that I love this outfit, which uses animal print in a subtle, sophisticated, non-street walker kind of way. It’s a bit over-accessorized, but that’s a small point, and I am seriously coveting the skirt.

Keith continues to campaign for the title of “Most Erratic PR Contestant” with this surprisingly nice outfit. The skirt has a similar idea to the NYC dress he made two weeks ago, but much better executed. The whole outfit is a weird mix of muted and striking — the browns with the florals, and the mixed texture — which makes it interesting without being overwhelming. I don’t actually like Keith or Kenley at all, but I’ll give them this one.

Terri made another smart, slightly sporty pants outfit. The top is fun – the model looks like she should be on her way to a fiesta where she will do some sort of sassy salsa number while caning margaritas, and that’s always a good look for me. I hate the belt with a passion, though. No one should be able to grab a margarita salsa queen by a leash.

Perhaps putting two people in their early 20s together was a bad call, if this is their idea of appropriate clothing for a night out. The woman is wearing shorts. SHORTS. These would not work in an office OR an after work party. Though the blue top underneath is quite nice (I’m going to assume Leanne made that), it is impossible to get past the fact that Blayne made shorts. In no way does this meet the requirements of the brief.

Keith/Kenley and Jerell/Stella are in the top two, while Blayne/Leanne and Kelli/Daniel are in the bottom. Nina is, of course, concerned with the taste level of the teal marvel, as she should be. When they’re asked who should go home, Kelli reminds them that she won the first challenge and hasn’t been in the bottom, and she’s absolutely right, if they actually were judging the season, rather than one challenge. Daniel insists that he should stay because he has “very high-end taste,” which makes Kenley start laughing on the runway. Wow, Kenley is a bitch, isn’t she?

Blayne and Leanne get raked over the coals, Blayne in particular. He pretty much refuses to listen and insists that he is a risk-taker. Go on, Blayne! Annoy Nina so much she’ll kick you off just to be done with you! He even says that, of the two of them, he should go home. You heard him – send him packing!

The judge’s chat is notable for Brooke Shields calling Blayne “bratty.” The regular judges all love Jerell’s, but Brooke seems to prefer Keith’s. This, of course, means that he is the winner. Jerell looks a bit disappointed, as he should. Of course, he’s in, as is Stella. Leanne and Daniel are in, leaving us with Kelli and Blayne, who produced equally terrible outfits in different ways. Kelli, at least, has a history of some quality work while Blayne has been toward the bottom every damn week, so it’s pretty obvious what they should do…which, of course, means Blayne is in. Fucking meddling producer motherfuckers, who keep the ‘character’ around to annoy us for weeks to come. Hint: being annoyed by his every utterance is not the same as good TV.

Kelli interviews that she’s angry and doesn’t think she should go home. I throw things at the TV in frustration and vow to never watch this show again.

Bye, Kelli. It wasn’t really your turn. Kick Blayne in the shins on your way out.

Next week: damn you, PR! You immediately render my vow impotent by bringing back Chris March for the drag queen challenge. FINE. But if you don’t kick Blayne off then, we’re through. Do you hear me? Do you?