Pop Vultures

With all the new fall shows kicking off, there’s an awful lot of talk about which ones are worth your time. Like any television season, this year’s selection offers lots of average fare, a few great ones, and an awful lot of truly dreadful shows. Before we get too far into the always entertaining mockery of those new programs, though, let’s mock a few of the ones that once debuted to critical acclaim and high ratings before offering up some truly ridiculous seasons of television. [Some spoilers ahead]

5. Alias, Season 5
Why it was ridiculous: Even the most devoted fan of Alias would be hard pressed to argue that the show ever really made sense, and in seasons 1-4 we were treated to cloned assassins, dead-not dead wives (yes, plural), zombie viruses and gigantic red balls of doom. Still, it wasn’t until its final season that the show really went off the rails. In order to justify keeping Ron Rifkin on the show long after his character, the supremely evil Sloane, should have been killed off, the gang moved to an underground bunker as a CIA black ops unit — one that was run by Captain Evil himself, the man everyone had spent the previous four seasons trying to capture. Throw in two new characters that we had no reason to care about, a pregnant super-spy whose hand-to-hand combat became increasingly unsettling, and a finale that left fans feeling deeply cheated, and we are left with 22 of the silliest episodes ever aired.

4. Twin Peaks, Season 2
Why it was ridiculous: The first season of Twin Peaks was a masterpiece. It was simultaneously a soap opera, murder mystery and surrealist dreamscape. From the very first episode, viewers were drawn in, wanting to know who killed Laura Palmer. The show was weird from the word go, but somehow, despite the presence of dancing dwarves, red rooms and log ladies, it still made sense. Because everything revolved around the murder mystery, the otherworldly elements of the show and the soap operatic aspects were linked. Then, season 2 happened. With the mystery solved, the show became painfully uneven. One scene might show the paranormal battle between good and evil, while the next would show a young woman torn between two lovers. The show was no longer genre-bending; it was two different genres trying to coexist on one show, and not doing a very good job of it. Also, David Lynch kept building up the supernatural mysteries until even the most dedicated fan hadn’t the slightest clue what was happening. The show was still pretty to look at and full of interesting ideas to explore, but none of them were fleshed out enough to save this season from being completely incomprehensible.

3. Prison Break, Season 3
Why it was ridiculous: Let’s face it, this show has always played fast and loose with realism, but at least it used to be consistent and seemed to have an end game in place. Season 2 started to cast doubt on that belief, and by season 3 it was pretty obvious the writers were just making it up as they went along. The show went to extraordinary lengths to keep all its main characters together, to the point where three of them ended up in the same Panamanian prison, all for different crimes. Teen soaps that keep all the characters together for college contain more narrative believability than Prison Break did. Then, the show tried to pretend that, despite having The Company try to kill Michael Scofield for the entire second season, all the bad guys really wanted was for him to help break someone out of Soma prison. Add in a girlfriend that was sort of decapitated (only to be resurrected in the fourth season), a worldwide conspiracy that, despite controlling everything in the universe, seemed most interested in making Michael Scofield’s life hell, and a femme fatale that apparently took acting lessons from the Mustache Twirling School of Villainy, and we had one ridiculous season. It is yet to be seen whether season 4 will replace it on this list.

2. 24, Season 5
Why it was ridiculous: No season of 24 will ever hold up under scrutiny, as they all have plot holes you could drive an aircraft carrier through, but season 5 was especially flawed. The season started with Jack Bauer being framed for murder, but that was apparently a diversion for a hostage situation at Ontario airport, which was itself a diversion for the theft of nerve gas. Throughout all of this, the President is a sniveling, indecisive, ball-less wonder of a man, incapable of making a single decision on his own. Then, it turns out that the President is the mastermind behind all the days events. THEN, we find out that, despite being the President of the US, he actually answers to an even higher group of men with a propensity for bluetooth headsets and violent threats. And…yeah, I can’t go on. Nothing in this season made a single bit of sense. Much like Prison Break, the show hides its nonsensical plots in non-stop action and shocking cliff-hangers, but even those couldn’t help this season. And yet, somehow, it won an Emmy for best drama series. How it did that is still the biggest unanswered question of this series. (Note: I stopped watching after this season, so it’s entirely possible that season 6 was even worse. Feel free to let me know if that’s true.)

1. Roseanne, Season 9
Why it was ridiculous: For most of its run, Roseanne was a truly wonderful show. Most sitcoms of the 80s featured clean, perfect middle class families who rarely had more to worry about than the escapades of their precocious children, and so the Connors, Roseanne’s raunchy working class class family, were a breath of fresh air. The show was honest, emotional, and, most of all, funny. Then, there was season 9. First of all, the season was never supposed to happen. Most people involved in the series were prepared for it to end after the eighth season and were surprised when it was renewed. If only that they’d been correct. In season 9, the Connors win the state lottery and start traveling the world. Jackie falls in love with a prince, and Roseanne battles terrorists. Yes, terrorists. Even worse than all of that — and that was so bad I am wincing as I write it — was the series finale. Apparently, large chunks of the series never happened at all. It turns out that Roseanne was a writer who was writing events how she wished they’d been, rather than what really happened. In the supposed “real” world of the series, Dan had died from a heart attack and her two daughters had married each others’ husbands. Basically, in one episode, egomaniac Roseanne spit on all the fans who had cared about the characters and what happened to them, asserting her absolute control over their fates. It was, quite simply, terrible. While some of these seasons were enjoyable in their own way, this is one season of television so utterly ridiculous that I choose to pretend it never happened at all.

Your turn. Which seasons of television do you consider the most ridiculous ever filmed?