Pop Vultures

Project Runway, S05 E8: Double 0 Fashion.

Last week on Project Runway: Leanne made car part couture and won. Keith had a gigantic nervous breakdown and lost. I started to wonder if the show had lost it, as well, when it couldn’t even make said breakdown dramatic or interesting in any way. This week, the designers get to work with actual fabric for an actual designer, and I desperately try to find contestants to care about.

We kick off with Stella making coffee, wondering just how much to put in. Terri refuses to help, snidely remarking that it’s not that difficult. Stella then dumps in half the pot, creating a wicked brew that Terri can barely swallow. Ha! That’s what you get for acting like a superior, unhelpful ass, Terri. I have noticed that I don’t actually like Terri anymore.

The “Oh, how we miss the departed” interview goes to Suede who is mad that Keith left. Not because he was particularly fond of Keith, it turns out, but because he now has to move in with Jerell, Joe and Blayne. I’d be pissy if I had to move in with that highlighted Oompa Loompa, too.

Model swap, and…wait! It looks like…nah, I can’t even bother with a fake-out. Nothing happens. Why must they insist on showing this every damn week? It just highlights the utter lack of conflict or drama this season.

Heidi brings out a special guest, who looms larger than life behind the scrim before turning out to be none other than Tim Gunn. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief that he wasn’t a monkey on a unicycle in need of a makeover. He tells them all to move it, and off they head to an office in the meat packing district, where they are greeted by Diane van Furstenberg, who is such a bonafide fashion legend that I can’t say a single snide thing. Plus, she’s nice as all get out, greeting each designer individually. Kenley gets a bit choked up. And by a bit, I mean she cries anytime someone mentions Diane’s name for the rest of the episode.

It’s a fairly straight-forward challenge, to design an outfit for her new fall collection. They even get to raid her sample room and use fabrics she’s chosen, so there’s no chance for Blayne to decide that what her collection really needs is a neon pink jumpsuit. The collection is inspired by Marlene Dietrich in Foreign Affair, so their outfits should somehow evoke a spy that was born in Berlin and must escape to Shanghai before ending up in New York. Oh, that old problem. I’m sure we’ve all been there. The winner’s design will be sold exclusively through a product placed credit card.

After they loot the sample room, it’s sew time. They’re all given a look book for the collection, featuring a lot of layered designs. Now, that’s just mean. They only have till midnight to produce not just one high end designer outfit, but one with multiple pieces? Still, everyone but Kenley decides to go the layering route. Kenley would rather make just one great dress.

Blayne makes a deliberate choice to step away from designs where he simply vomits neon in order to show versatility. I’m a bit worried by this evidence of actual thought from Blayne. Even more worrisome is his comment that he’d rather take risks than show the same pair of pants every week. This is the second designer that’s commented on how repetitious Terri’s designs are, and I have to wonder how long it will be before the judges call her on it, too.

Cut to…Terri modelling a pair of pants. When asked, Korto compliments the fabric but not the design. Joe calls her a one-trick blazer-and-pants pony. While eating lunch with Terri and Leanne, Stella refuses to describe her design because she doesn’t trust Terri. Now, we haven’t actually seen any evidence of Terri’s untrustworthiness, but with all the designers giving her such a wide berth, I have to trust that there’s something to it. I mentioned I’m starting to not like, Terri, right?

With six hours to go, everyone continues to work frantically amidst much discussion of how big the prize is. Joe shows Jerell the heavily Shanghai-inspired top he’s making and THEN – I can barely believe he actually does this, and had to watch it twice just to be sure I had not hallucinated it in some Joe-hating moment – he sings “Nee noo nee noo” in a fake Chinese accent. Jerell looks at him in disbelief and slowly backs away from the rampant, outdated stereotyping on display.

Suddenly, for no reason that makes any sense, Leanne starts acting like a spy, sneaking around doors and work stations. I’m sure that all happened organically and was not in any way the direct result of producer interference.

During Tim’s walkthrough, Tim is worried about Suede, as am I. Fortunately, Joe’s is looking so much worse that I don’t think Suede has anything to really worry about. Tim reminds Stella that her look needs to be cohesive, as the biggest complaint during the last challenge was that her pieces didn’t match. Stella signs her own PR death warrant when she says that they were “clueless” and not open-minded enough to understand her design when, in fact, the damn outfit just doesn’t work. She does, however, prove her awesomeness when she calls Rachel Zoe “the stylist with the oversized muu muu and the waistband.”

Next morning, quick shots of the designers in bed, stretching and yawning, followed by an extremely long shot of Jerell pouring orange juice in his underwear. Seriously, you could have sketched a portrait of the man, so long did they linger on his lovely back. Just in case you didn’t get enough, however, have a reminder:

The usual model mayhem features even more scrambling than usual, since most people haven’t finished their multi-garment outfits. But, of course, they all finish on time and, as usual, the drama is manufactured, and weakly at that. Joe is crowing over the perfection of his design. He demonstrates that he may actually have caught the delusional bug from Blayne when he explains that, because his garment is so polished, it might get lost in the sea of crap going down the runway.

Runway time!

This is Joe’s outfit. If by “polished,” he was referring to the old chestnut about polishing a turd, then perhaps. Because, really, there is nothing worth wearing in this outfit. The top is costume, the skirt is poorly sewn, and I’m still trying to figure out what the hell is going on with that cape. Basically, it’s a long rectangle with pockets and a hood. Sometimes, innovation is not your friend. Up till now, Joe has been safely average, but this is a clear signal that the man should go home soon.

While Joe’s stock is free-falling, Leanne’s is just plain soaring. How can this be the same woman who did the bizarre bronze dress of pointless loops? This is polished, sophisticated and seriously gorgeous. How has she learned to edit this much in just a month’s time? The dress is streamlined, with some well-placed ruffles in the back, and the contrast of the masculine coat adds interest, rather than conflict. Plus, as someone who’s spent years trying to artfully use a shawl as a cover-up, I am all in favor of the ease of a jacket. There’s very little chance it will get caught in the car door, too.

I think I might be done with Terri. Yes, her designs are still smart and well put-together, but I know we’ve seen this before, just in different fabrics. When she feels like trying something different, I’ll feel like commenting on her designs.

I’m having a hard time judging Jerell’s outfit, as I can’t actually see what’s going on. That’s probably not a good thing. The slim skirt is straight forward enough, and the jacket looks like it could be very nice if it was buttoned, rather than held together with a belt. I have absolutely no idea what’s going on with the shirt, and the deranged flight attendant hat isn’t helping matters. Still, I think a decent design is hiding under there, somewhere. Or perhaps my newfound love of Jerell is coloring my snark.

Korto’s dress is very pretty, though it’s the jacket, rather than the halter dress, that stands out to me. The thing I like the most about Korto is that she tends to use things I normally wouldn’t like – in this case, the bright yellow – and makes me reconsider my taste. Even the print, which is essentially a high end zebra print, is quite nice, though I sure wouldn’t want to stare at it all night. Hallucinating spots is highly overrated as a leisure activity, I find.

For two weeks in a row, Blayne has not annoyed me. I’m not sure if I’m just getting used to him or if even the editors couldn’t stand his various bizarre traits and left them on the cutting room floor. This may even be his best outfit, though admittedly the bar is set extremely low. The jacket is nice. The culottes are hideous. Still, half nice is the highest mark I’ve ever wanted to give him. I actually now want Joe to go home before Blayne.

Oh, Suede. Just as I was starting to warm to you, you send this down the runway. There is absolutely no connection between the dress and the vest. The dress is meant to be camouflage chic. It fails, what with the slit in the back that ensures that parts of this spy would never be undercover, but I see where it’s going. The vest belongs to a businesswoman from the 70s. I’m pretty sure I saw it in an old advert for Charlie perfume.

Stella gives us another vest. Much like with Terri, I can’t be bothered to find something new to say when she can’t be bothered to design something new. The cape is an interesting idea, but the proportions are all wrong. I’m still bored of Stella as a designer, though I would totally love to pound shots with her at a dive bar somewhere.

Kenley made a very pretty dress, which is exactly what she wanted to do. It’s a nice clean silhouette, and the print doesn’t look too overdone. However, after all the multi-garment outfits that preceded her, it does look a bit too simple. If you’re only gonna make one great dress, it better be a great dress, and this one is just very nice. It is, however, far more commercial that most of the others.

Korto, Leanne and Kenley are in the top, while Joe, Suede and Stella are in the bottom three. So far, I don’t disagree. It’s rather fun to watch them slam Joe’s design and construction after his earlier hubris. Although Heidi is not especially impressed by Kenley – and her propensity to interrupt – Diane likes her dress, a moment Kenley will likely replay over and over again. I bet she’s watching it on her iPhone right now. They call Stella’s cape “magician’s assistant” and “Dracula.” They have nothing but praise for Korto and Leanne and gently scold Suede.

After the judge’s chat, Korto is in. Leanne is – again! – named the winner. Things are going to be awkward in the Kenley/Leanne apartment that night. Suede is in. With just Joe and Stella left, I – again! – don’t care who goes home. Really, based just on this challenge, Joe should consider a whole new career, so long as it’s not diplomacy, but Stella has hovered near the bottom so much that she her dismissal could easily be justified. And it is, as Joe is safe and Stella is sent packing.

She leaves with all the bravado and good spirits you’d expect, and a reminder that we all know where to find her if ever we want some rock star leath-ah.

Next week: Terri gets cranky. Kenley annoys people. Jerell is in trouble. Also, Bravo uses misleading promos, so it’s entirely possible that none of that will actually happen.