Pop Vultures

When people find out that I’m a TV blogger, the first question, sadly, is never, “Wow! How did you get so lucky? That’s what I always wanted to be when I grew up.” No, nine times out of ten they cock their head to the side, look at me as if I’m a bit simple and say, “Huh. You must watch a lot of TV, then.”

Well, yes. It is rather part of the job description, and I still feel as if I’m only watching about a third of the shows I’d like to write about. It’s worse now that the fall season has kicked off, since I constantly have several episodes waiting to be viewed. Right now, Weeds and House are still sitting on my hard drive, hoping I find some time this week to pay them a visit. Of course, by the time I do, I’ll be days late on writing about them, and then there will be brand new shows demanding my attention, and clearly, no matter how much TV I watch, I will never be caught up.

I have, however, developed a system. Sadly, it doesn’t work on shows like House, which I actually want to sit down and enjoy, but it’s rather effective with a surprising number of shows. Basically, I multitask like a mother. I cook dinner during America’s Next Top Model, do sit-ups during Prison Break, and knit scarves for my entire family during Greek. The more predictable or poorly written a show is, the more I can accomplish. Hell, I finished reading War and Peace during last season’s American Idol. It’s become my personal litmus test for quality: if I actually sit on my sofa for the entire hour, it’s pretty good. If I feel a sudden need to vacuum — not so much.

It also helps me discover my percentage shows — the ones where I only care about a certain percentage of the stories. During season 2 of Heroes, I’d do the dishes during anything with an Emo Wonder Twin, stopping to watch when Noah come on screen. I’d try to stay in the room during the terrible Irish story, but that was only on the off-chance that Peter took his shirt off.

The Sarah Connor Chronicles is another percentage show. If they’re all sitting around arguing, I’m writing email, only pausing when Cameron starts kicking ass. During Grey’s Anatomy, I might still care about Christina, but I’ll be taking out the garbage the minute Izzy appears onscreen. These days, Prison Break is basically a 3% show, one which I have on in the background. I remember what happens only through the psychic link I share with my TV.

Yesterday, I watched the second episode of Fringe, and I’m sorry to say that this one is already a percentage show for me. For all the hype that surrounded its premiere, it is, sadly, not that good. The show’s tone is far too serious for its ludicrous plots, the lead female character is dull and forgettable (seriously, I don’t even remember her name), and I refuse to get drawn into another JJ Abrams conspiracy that features a lot of nouns with definite articles (i.e., The Pattern). I saw where that went with Alias, thank you, and I won’t make that mistake again.

And yet, Dr. Walter Bishop is simply awesome. I did not realize how much TV was in need of a mad scientist before he appeared on my screen, and now I want an entire Dr. Walter show. He could have a talk show, solving people’s problems through random non sequiteurs, or a game show, where he mocked people’s mundane knowledge (”No, no, no. The answer is that people live for SIX hours after death. What are they teaching in schools these days?”). I’d watch him milk the cow, or argue with his son, or just talk to himself for the better part of an hour, and quite happily, too.

Unfortunately, Dr. Walter is only on screen for, maybe, 25% of the time, and so Fringe has quickly fallen into the category of “Shows that help me keep a clean house.” It’s not a terrible show, and I feel it’s one I need to watch to be a well-informed TV blogger — I just can’t be bothered to watch all of it.

Has Fringe grabbed 100% of your attention? And what are your percentage shows?