I hate British soaps. Eastenders, Coronation Street, Emmerdale, the late, lamented Brookside, even that young upstart soap, Hollyoaks. I hate them all. And what is more, I cannot for the life of me fathom why everybody else doesn’t hate them as well.
But Eastenders regularly attracts in the region of 8.4 million viewers for every revolting episode. It’s nearest soapy rival, Coronation Street, draws around 7.3 million. What is up with my fellow countrymen? It seriously boggles my mind, because honestly, I would rather eat my own toenail clippings than watch either one of them. And yet, lovely Pop Vultures readers, I have eschewed a toenail snack, tempting though it was, and just for you, I forced myself to sit through an episode of Britain’s most popular soap, the BBC’s Eastenders.
Here is the one good thing I have to say about it: I quite like the theme tune.
It’s not cultural snobbery. I mean, it’s really not. I love trashy telly! Trashy telly is fun, enjoyable, and escapist. British soaps are none of those things. The reason I hate them is that they’re so relentlessly depressing. Nothing good ever happens to anybody, ever. If a nice thing does actually occur, it is only so that it can be cruelly and ironically snatched away. The rest of the time it’s poverty, racisim, abuse, assault, petty theft, the occasional murder, lies, secrets, and betrayals. Even Christmas parties are just preludes to horrific accidents. How the whole cast of characters don’t collectively throw themselves off the nearest bridge is beyond me.
In the episode of Eastenders I so selflessly sat through, there was: food poisoning; child abuse; some bloke hiding a gun under a sink for no-doubt nefarious purposes; a controlling boyfriend; and a bad case of chicken pox. There was one young married couple who seemed reasonably happy together, but in Eastenders you know that just means something indescribably terrible is going to happen to them, probably before the end of the episode. After all that, it’s a bloody good job that the theme tune is peppy.
At least American soaps are glamorous. I know they’re hopelessly unrealistic, but I’d far rather spend my leisure time following the lives and loves of millionaire oil barons than keeping track of the grim realities of life in Albert Square. And don’t think it’s just Eastenders either. All British soaps are cut from the same, gritty-urban-reality cloth. Coronation Street follows a similar formula up north, and Emmerdale does it in rural Yorkshire. And my toenail clippings are starting to look remarkably appetising.
Feel free to leap to the defence of the denizens of Albert Square and their ilk in the comments.
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September 25th, 2008 at 9:57 am
I always used to watch soaps. I never missed them. This is a fair few years ago. I watched because my mum watched, and she watched ALL of them. And I enjoyed them, to a point. I’m sure they are getting worse, either that or my tastes have improved. But they are very depressing now, and are doing more and more ridiculous things to claw onto ratings. I also don’t think it helps that they are on pretty much every day, so the story lines are bound to be thin and repetitive. I will stick to telly that is actually enjoyable and doesn’t make me want to stick my head in the oven.
September 26th, 2008 at 10:45 am
I know there was some article published years ago about how it said a lot about our society that in the US the soaps are about the rich and the comedies about the poor, whereas in the UK the soaps are about the poor and the comedies about the rich. I’m not sure what it says, but apparently it does say a lot.
A lot of people tell me they like soaps because it makes them feel better about their own lives but I can’t quite see how bringing hours of endless depression and gritty drama can make you feel better. Just because it’s not happening to you, doesn’t make it good to watch.
September 27th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
I can remember watching Coronation Street when I was younger - because my dad was watching it - and I used to watch EastEnders quite often. Then I got bored of it, it was just the same storylines with different characters.
It was all rather depressing, and most of them seem to be the same - plodding along with the same things happening and then occasionally some piece of lunacy. Brookside used to do quite well with the explosions or burying people under the patio.
Bex, I can kind of see where people are coming from saying it makes them feel better about themselves to see characters in misery, but it can’t really make it good to watch.
September 29th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
I’ve got to defend my beloved Coronation Street - it is is VERY different from EastEnders, even at its most soapy and melodramaticm, and I don’t think it’s fair to tar it with the same miserablist brush. It’s brilliantly written (it’s not a coincidence that loads of the big names in British TV writing worked there in their earlier days), character rather than plot driven, and most of all, it’s very funny, filled with absurd, Alan Bennetish scenes that don’t drive the plot along but make you love the characters. Recent episodes included a random conversation in which hunky Liam revealed his surprisingly passionate hatred of cardboard (”I didn’t know you felt so strongly about cardboard” says his cousin. “Meh, it comes and goes,” replies Liam), and a breakfast table discussion between the pub owner and his girlfriend about whether doing your toast on one side makes you posh, which led to a discussion of Sting’s Englishman in New York which refers to a similar toasting practice, which led to a debate about whether Sting could be posh if he was a Geordie. None of which is not something you’d get in the nasty world of Albert Square.
And unlike EE, the writers of Coronation Street like the characters, all of whom, even the most eccentric, are treated with affection and respect. Johann Hari wrote a wonderful piece in the Independent ages ago (which might even be able to persuade you to give it a chance) about the differences between Corrie and Eastenders in which he quotes a Corrie scriptwriter: “If you are run over on Coronation Street, somebody will take you in and give you a cup of tea. If you are run over on Albert Square, they’ll steal your wallet and shag your wife while you bleed to death.” Even though Corrie goes through boring or lurid phases, there’s always at least one brilliant line per episode, and it always makes me laugh and yes, sometimes, cry. I can’t wait for tonight’s double episode!
October 8th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
No hate or love for Hollyoaks? It’s great as a lightweight soap that isn’t afraid to take the piss out of itself with silly intro sequences. Plus it’s improved a hell of a lot over the last two years.