Pop Vultures

I am forced to write a post of two parts this week, because the BBC has been tickling my fancy at both ends of the quality spectrum recently. First they build me up with an intelligent and thought-provoking documentary, presented by the thinking woman’s crumpet, James May. And then they bring me plummeting back down with the relentlessly trashy, and yet curiously compelling Hole in the Wall, presented by the shrieky and tangerine-toned Dale Winton. Oh BBC, you are a perplexing, capricious, mistress.

Shall we start with the highbrow? James May (swoooon….) is a fairly recent addition to the long list of middle-aged male TV presenters on whom I have a bit of a crush. He is so foppish and articulate! And, although he will never equal Stephen Fry in my estimation, he obviously has something going for him, because I sat through a whole show about robots and artificial intelligence just because he was presenting it.

James May’s Big Ideas is a new show which has our eponymous presenter looking for the Jetsons-esque 21st century lifestyle he always envisioned when he was a child - jet packs, flying cars, food capsules and teleportation devices. And robots, of course. The episode I watched followed him in his search for the perfect robot, one that would do his bidding, wash the dishes, and beat up the school bully. If it could also shoot lasers out of its chest, so much the better.

Alas, such a robot does not yet exist, but I did get to spend an entertaining hour watching May attempt to drive a wheelchair with the power of his mind, play baseball with a robot which had less hand-eye coordination than I do (and that’s saying something), and lecture us about the inner-workings of the human eye, with diagrams (at which I swooned all over again).

And then there’s the low-brow low point of my televisual week. Hole in the Wall is one of those shows that makes you seriously consider writing to the BBC to demand to know what it is they think they’re doing with your TV licence money. And the answer, apparently, is that they’re spending it on persuading C-list celebrities to don unflattering silver body suits and fit themselves through oddly-shaped holes in a foam wall, or end up pushed into a swimming pool.

Yep. That’s the whole show. And if it all sounds eerily familiar it’s because Marcia mentioned the show’s concept back when it was first thought-up. In Japan, home of humiliating game shows, of course. Versions of the show have since popped up all over the world, including in the US.

Why do I watch this? I hate myself for watching this. And yet, it is endlessly compelling. I mean, they’re adults, in silver body suits and shamingly-superfluous crash helmets, getting dunked on national television. What’s not to like? Although my tolerance for Dale Winton’s inanely enthusiastic ‘Bring on the Wall!’ battle cry is wearing exceptionally thin. But still, I know that next Saturday night I’ll be tuning in again for another thirty minutes of has-beens contorting themselves for my viewing pleasure.

Have you lost all respect for me now? Or are you too busy feverishly searching the TV listings to find out exactly when you can see this car-crash television for yourself? It’s OK, you can tell me.

Hole in the Wall airs Saturdays on BBC1 at 5.00 pm. And if you need to feed your brain afterwards, you can catch James May’s Big Ideas on BBC2, Sunday night at 9.00pm.