Pop Vultures

Today, I realized that I’m still watching Pushing Daisies for one reason: Emerson Cod. The rest bore me with their romantic trials and tribulations, but the grumpy knitting detective lures me in week after week — and inspired today’s Friday 5: which tertiary characters are far more interesting than the supposed stars?

5. Blair Waldorf. Her name may come first in the credits, but few people are tuning in to Gossip Girl to enjoy Blake Lively’s bland performance as Serena, the former bad girl trying to redeem herself (and who, sadly, has not acted like a bad girl even once). The real attraction is Leighton Meester’s ability to make bitchy Blair lovably hateful. The character didn’t really come into her own until she broke up with her milquetoast boyfriend, but she’s starting to finally show some Amanda Woodward-esque tendencies, a change that came not a minute too soon.

4. Tyra Banks ego. On every episode of America’s Next Top Model, there are two Tyras sitting at the judging table. The first is the pretend Tyra, the kind mentor who only wants to help these poor, beautiful, and thoroughly deluded girls achieve their potential as reality show chum. However, this Tyra is completely outshone by the invisible beast sitting next to her in the form of her massive ego, which uses the show as a a platform to demonstrate why she is the greatest model of all time. No life in a model’s eyes? That is her cue to break out the crazy stare in a demonstration of how she would never, ever have dead eyes (demon eyes, apparently, are a different category altogether). Is a contestant complaining about getting heat stroke while wearing a ski coat in the Sahara in June? Ha! That is weakness! Modeling, the ego assures us, is hard work. You must be the smartest, the strongest, the Tyra-ist to survive. And as soon as her third personality creates the Super-Botox that allows her to look twenty again, she will sweep away all these runway neophytes and RULE fashion again. Don’t try telling her she won’t.

3. Emerson Cod. I could describe Emerson Cod, but the man himself can do a better job of it. These lines work best when you picture them dryly spoken by a very tall and permanently annoyed man:

• The truth ain’t like puppies, a bunch of them running around, you pick your favorite.
• Future Me is saying ‘I told you so’ all upside your head…but Now Me is standing here quietly.
• Someone in love is like a gangsta. They be like, ‘Oh baby, you bleeding. How did that happen?’ while they’re hiding the razor in their weave.
• Just because there’s vodka in my freezer doesn’t mean I need to drink it. Wait…yes it does.
• Well, that idea might make a stupid idea feel better about itself.

As long as Chi McBride is rocking Emerson Cod, I can’t stop watching.

2. Miranda Bailey. She is the heart and soul of the very silly Grey’s Anatomy and the only reason I can still respect myself for watching. (Yes, I know I’m trying to break up with this show, but these things take time.) Cassandra Wilson plays Bailey with so much sass, heart, backbone, and all around style that she mows down anyone in her path. The other actors look like bemused amateurs when Wilson gets going. Don’t tell my mom, but I’m secretly hoping Bailey adopts me some day. She would have my entire life sorted out within two days — and then move on to my friends.

1. Phil Keoghan. Sure, he’s the host of The Amazing Race, but he’s always forced to take a backseat to the racers. And yet, Keoghan is the grounding force behind the show. When he appears on screen, all wind-blown hair and rugged good looks, it’s obvious the true adventurer has arrived. The only reason the teams have a chance of winning is that Keoghan is contractually bound not to compete. Otherwise, they’d surely find themselves eating his dust as he sailed past on a horse-drawn chariot that he was driving backwards while doing a headstand and eating the live grubs considered a delicacy among some South American tribes. Come on, this is the man who broke the world record for bungee-jumping and who rested atop an erupting volcano to eat his lunch. The winning team may win a million dollars, but they’ll never be as cool as Phil.

What do you think? Which secondary characters — past and present — rule the shows and school the leads?